The 24 Hour Day- An Alaskan Fishing Adventure

While spending 20 hours a day in winter darkness, Alaskans develop a sense of urgency to spend their summer days wisely. I feel this urgency and it redoubles when we have guests. The Benefields do not want any of our visitors to get cheated out of a single minute of fun in Alaska. For those of you who know me, you might recognize a certain capacity to press a little too hard in my pursuits- or at least a little harder than most folks.  With all that background, I am happy to announce that our friends the Roberts are visiting with us in Alaska. 
Cammie and Sandra planned out some of their events, but there was too much white space left on the Roberts’ vacation calendar for my taste. I jumped in and started planning some of their events, like the fishing charter they wanted to do. On 03 July (their first full day here), I called several charter services from Whittier to Homer to Ninilchik to Anchor Point looking for open seats on the days the Roberts could go fishing.  The Roberts wanted Harrison, their six year old, to go fishing, so I had to find a captain who would take children that young. Actually, Jay Allen and Jackson, who are two years older, were not welcome on several charters because of age, too.  After all the searching  we found a great deal with a Captain I had some knowledge of, Scott Vanderhooven. Not only did we get a great deal, but we were using a veteran owned business, so this was a win-win plan.  There was only one challenge – the open seats were for the 4^th of July – read that TOMORROW!
I passed this course of action back to the Roberts, pressed hard for concurrence and quickly got it. They were so jet lagged and tired and I overwhelmed them with so much information that I think I could have convinced them that we should go with Gilligan and the Skipper for a three hour cruise, but I wouldn’t do that to our friends – this plan was going to work.  Two Benefields (Jay Allen and me) and four Roberts were going fishing just for the Halibut!
The biggest challenge to overcome in our plan was that we had to be in Anchor Point, Alaska early on the morning of 04 July and had to have the Roberts back in Anchorage for a pre-purchased train ride to Seward on the morning of 05 July. So, we had to factor in nine hours of driving and an opportunity for the Roberts to meet the required personal hygiene standards for non-hobos going on a train ride.  You can go a lot of places in Alaska smelling like you just spent all day on a fishing boat, but not as many if your momma is going with you and you had’t bathed since you left the Central Time Zone. This meant that there had to be time to power-wash Jackson and Harrison before their early morning arrival at the train station in Anchorage. 
So, after factoring in all the time required to drive to Anchor Point, prepare the fish, drive back to Eagle River, and power-wash the Roberts boys before reporting to the train station, we had a solid plan. The approved course of action did contain three full days of activities for normal people or non-Alaskans, but I had all confidence in the person who was planning and executing this course of action to make it happen. That person is me! I have a strong record of making ambitious vacation plans successful by filling any gaps where the plan departed from reality or reason with sheer bullheadedness.  The only thing different about this time was that I was going to apply my bullheadedness to somebody else’s family.
I could tell Sandra thought my plan was too ambitious because she was worried about things like sleep deprivation and speeding tickets and finding time to pack a lunch for her boys to eat on the boat. I had answers for all of these concerns – the Roberts can sleep in the Beast (my 84 Suburban) while I do all the driving. No speeding would be required (or even possible in the Beast for that matter). And, the Roberts boys could share the lunch I packed for Jay Allen, summer sausage and Kit-kat candy bars.  In spite of that offer, Sandra packed them some sandwiches and some healthier snacks – moms are like that.
The other Roberts who voiced concern over the plan was Harrison. When his daddy told him that we were going to wake up at 2:00am to leave. Harrison said, “But that is night time.”  The kid had a point, but I pointed out that it was just early morning in Alabama and he was, after all, from Alabama. Anyway, I didn’t need consensus, just participation, whether willing or unwilling at this point.
So, after dinner on 03 July, the two adult Roberts and the two fishing Benefields went to the Alaskan Super Store, Fred Myer’s, and bought all the necessary supplies: fishing licenses, kit-kats, summer sausage, a dozen energy drinks (those were just for me while driving), a big box of assorted nuts (you are what you eat after all), and some Alaska fishing hats for the Roberts!
We got back from Fred Myer’s at 2130 hours (9:30pm) and were planning to be at the boat at 0700 the next morning based on the initial conversation with the captain of the boat.   I thought I had better confirm that before driving down and sure enough, Captain Scott had left me a message that he had adjusted to a 0800 link-up.  I decided not to share this with my other fishermen so they didn’t lose their sense of urgency in the early morning hours when we had to get moving.
At 0230 on the 4^th of July, the Beast rumbled to life full of Roberts and energy drinks and kit kats and began the journey to Anchor Point. It was a dreary morning and darker than I have ever seen it during an Alaskan summer, but it was a good drive none the less. I probably enjoyed it more than everybody who didn’t know that we were not running late, but I knew they would forgive me for that.
When we got to Anchor Point, I discovered that there are several hundred almost identical fishing boats parked everywhere, so I needed a little more precision in my directions than my GPS was giving me. I finally had to swallow my directional pride and get on the phone with Captain Scott and have him guide me in. We made it to his camp and followed him on to the launch site.
The Roberts had not seen many or any eagles in the wild before they got to Alaska and when we drove up to the Anchor Point beach, they saw about fifty bald eagles combing the beach for fish.  I could tell they were impressed with Alaska and I was very pleased with my plan at this point.

We all loaded the boat while it was still on the trailer and got settled in. Captain Scott and his deck hand, Darren, prepared the boat and issued our life vests as we waited for the helpful tractor that would pull us into the waters of the Cook Inlet.  The tractor got us into the water and and we were on our way.  While we were getting our engines warmed up, the crew gave us our safety instructions.  It sounded a lot like a standard Army safety briefing and I tried to reinforce all the important stuff with the three boys, especially the “don’t touch anything sharp and don’t climb on anything or do anything that could result in a swim.”  During the safety brief, I noticed that Harrison was not pleased with his life vest and was getting pretty wound up. Sandra was getting a little frustrated with him and commented, “A life vest could ruin this whole day.” Just like in the movies, I am sharing this comment for a reason, so remember it. At that moment, Harrison accepted his fate as a life vest wearer and we got moving to our fishing hole.

Scott and Darren got everything set up for fishing and we couldn’t wait. I knew this was going to be awesome because fishing in Alaska is NASCAR paced and the fish are huge compared to the brim and catfish and big mouth bass of the lower 48. Sandra, who is not a fisherperson, was only excited about Shannon and the boys getting to fish. She sounded like she was hoping to be a spectator when she said, “I really don’t care if I reel in a fish all day.”
In another application of sheer bullheadedness, I determined that she was going to catch a fish and she was going to like it. Because God smiled on me, a fish got on the reel that I had just given Sandra full responsibility for before I could even verbalize that thought. Fish on! And it was all Sandra’s! Sandra fought that fish like Ali fought Frazier, but eventually, “DOWN GOES FRAZIER!” Sandra brought in the first fish and we were not going to be skunked! Not only did Sandra bring in the first fish, but she immediately started talking trash about it on Facebook from the boat. I didn’t know this until later, but I told her the whole story of that fish was going to have to be told.  Even though a reluctant warrior, I can’t deny her bragging rights on the catch!

The Reluctant Queen of Halibut Fishing  (She's not really touching that fish)!

We started out strong and had a lot of good fish, keeping the good ones, throwing back the small ones.  Unfortunately, small fish was not the only thing we threw back into the ocean.  Shannon decided to throw back his previous few meals and decorate Cook Inlet a bit, but like a trooper, he never complained.
Speaking of troopers, we had the honor of hosting an Alaska State Trooper on our boat. He visited us once and found everything in order, but never underestimate an Alaska State Trooper’s ability to find a deficiency upon further reflection.  Before his boat left the area, they pulled back to our boat named Sanctuary (ironically enough), and boarded to talk with Captain Scott. 
We did not know what had caused the trooper to visit us a second time, but he pulled up and started asking about the “youts” on board.  We told him we had three youts on board, but only Jay Allen was visible on the deck.

When Trooper Trent asked where the kid with the Batman hat was, CaptainScott said he was in the cabin, “asleep on Grandpa.”  I cut my eyes away from the Trooper drama at hand to watch the live, comical commercial for Grecian-Formula that Scott had just produced on the boat. I was not sure if Shannon had heard this very unkind (and accidental) commentary on his gray hair, but as I learned later, he had. I also learned later, that Captain Scott and Shannon were born in the same year and Shannon was not the only one with small children.  We laughed about it later, but I think Shannon and I both may be back at Fred Myer’s to spend some time on the hair care aisle (I am not far behind him in the gray hair department).
Back to our main story, Jay Allen had stepped out on the deck without his life vest and this was a violation, witnessed by Trooper Trent. According to Trooper Trent, it was a violation on par with DUI, but I struggle with that analogy.  Trooper Trent said Jay Allen needed a life vest on the deck and fifteen seconds later, Jay Allen had his life vest back on and we were again in total compliance with the complete library of Alaska fishing and safety regulations. I bet he has never pulled a drunk driver over and told him he shouldn’t drive drunk and then the guy sobered up in fifteen seconds and drove away in complete compliance with the law.  Trooper Trent was very polite and courteous as he told us all he didn’t want to stop our fun or ruin our day, but as the crew pointed out, he didn’t board our boat to pass out firecrackers and cold beer either.  Young Trooper Trent (YTT) did stop our fun and made Sandra’s words prophetic when she said, “A life vest could ruin this whole day.”

Young Trooper Trent - Not here to ruin our day.

As our fun was on PAUSEX (Army term when you halt an exercise to do some learning), YTT took all of Captain Scott’s information to write him a ticket - this is when I heard Scott’s birth year and realized he and “Grandpa” were the same age.  During the ticket writing, YTT maintained a demeanor that would imply he wanted to be Scott’s BFF.  I think Scott thought of YTT more as just a BF (find a Soldier to explain that term to you) at that point.  At least the kids all got a junior trooper badge on YTT’s second visit even if he did write our Captain a ticket. In real terms, those badges only cost $35 dollars each and made it all worth it.  Yeah, not really, but we tried to convince ourselves of that anyway.
In between Grecian-Formula commercials and decorating our piece of Cook Inlet, the fishing was great. We were fishing just for the Halibut, but we caught and threw back all kinds of interesting fellows. There was a bug-eyed Cod who surfaced from 250 feet way too fast, and the Irish Lord who looked a cartoon character, and the FOUR Crocodile-Hunter-Killers (Sting Rays) that visited our boat. They were all as unwelcome as the young trooper had been and I reflected on whether Scott regretted that the trooper was the only one of these visitors that didn’t have to swim away when he left.  
We had an awesome Alaska day on the Cook Inlet and everybody caught their limit of Halibut. We had to wake up the Roberts boys (the little ones, not Shannon) to catch their share after everybody else maxed out, but they woke up at a time when the fish were hitting at a NASCAR pace and the excitement was high, so they did not complain a bit.

A Pile of Roberts Sleeping

The young Prince of Halibut Fishing (he actually touched his fish)!

We started back to Anchor Point with our limit of Halibut, a pile of Kit-Kat wrappers, three uneaten sandwiches in the cooler, and three junior Alaska State Trooper badges. On the way in, we saw porpoises, seals, otters, a glimpse of a whale, and all the ever present beauty of Alaska that surrounds Cook Inlet.  I love it when a plan comes together.  Things could not have gone (much) better, the Roberts family exhaustion and the Trooper visit notwithstanding. A huge thanks to Darren and Captain Scott was in order and they were not even done yet.
The next event for Team Heflin was to get our fish prepared. Scott and Darren fileted the fish for us and recommended Tanner's in Ninilchik to vacuum pack the fish. So we settled up with our crew and took our fish and drove north to Ninilchik.

Captain Scott cleans our catch

Tanner’s operation was classic Alaskan efficiency as they vacuumed packed all the fish staying in Alaska for us while we ate dinner. The rest of the fish was going to Alabama and I strongly pressed Shannon to let them ship it to him and not to carry 50 lbs. of Halibut through the airport. He agreed, but I did not fully brief him on all the considerations.
After a day of successful fishing, we had a great dinner at the Inlet View Lodge in Ninilchik. We were all tired and hungry and we were the only folks in the restaurant for dinner. Our young waitress was very good at taking care of our needs throughout the meal. No glass was left empty and no part of the order was missed, but she talked to us so much that I began to question whether she needed to make more friends or get a better data plan to text her current friends. I know I am just being an old curmudgeon, but I did manage to leave the restaurant before I was accidentally mean to her in my tired state.  She did a great job and didn’t deserve any mean treatment, but if you live near Ninilchik and need a friend to talk with, stop by the Inlet View Lodge and you’ll find one waiting on you.
 After dinner, we went back to Tanner’s to get our fish! When they told Shannon how much it was going to cost to ship the fish, he looked like he did on the boat just before he got sick, but I was there to support him and we got through it. The truth is, those Halibut filets can go for $20-$25 per lb and I have to trust UPS or FEDEX over the airline baggage handlers with that kind of investment. A friend of ours tried to carry a lot of salmon that she caught to California and unfortunately the airlines sent the salmon to Mexico and she never saw it again.  I just couldn’t stand the thought of that happening to the Roberts’ Halibut, so I made sure Sandra and Shannon got more comfortable with the shipping decision. As bad as it gut-punched his wallet, Shannon is good with it and their fish is now headed to Alabama in the hands of professionals!  I think Sandra will be ok with it once they are home and the Halibut is in their freezer.
Now, with a full combat-fishing load, the Beast was ready to begin the return trip to Eagle River at 2030 hours (8:30 pm).  The GPS said we would arrive at 0200 hours.  I girded an energy drink to myself for the driving that lay ahead.  I also assessed my tired passengers to see if any might be able to drive a portion of the journey in case they were needed. Based purely on energy levels, it appeared that Jay Allen was the best candidate to drive, but Shannon was willing and able to drive when needed.
The Roberts were surprised to see all the Bald Eagles at Anchor Point, but I had promised them they would see a lot of Alaska wildlife. Unfortunately, the only moose we had seen at that point was a fresh road kill and they were still eager to see a live moose in the wild.  I had almost forgotten about this aspect of the trip as we were driving, when all of a sudden, Shannon yelled, “THERE’S A MOOSE!” 
He yelled with such urgency and enthusiasm that I thought the moose in question was about to charge our vehicle and Moose T-bone us.  When I saw the moose standing peacefully on the side of the road, my adrenaline was still rushing like a river from what I thought was Shannon’s warning and I verbalized what I was thinking at that very moment.
“YOU SCARED THE SHOT OUT OF ME!”  But you know that my shot had an i in it.
I wish I hadn’t said it, but I did - in front of all our boys. So much for the rule that my children can say anything they hear me say because Jay Allen heard that loud and clear. Don’t tell Shannon, but I sort of hope his boys repeat it to pay him back for scaring me so bad.
When I calmed down, I told Shannon that was the kind of announcement I needed when a moose was about to run out in front of me, not when it was safely grazing on the shoulder of the road.  Shannon apologized, but I told him not to worry. He had been such a gracious guest the whole visit and had tried to buy me gas, buy me dinner, and buy me different things to show his gratitude.  So, I told him, “If you really want to buy me something, now you can buy me some clean underwear because I have a sudden need for it.”
We stopped at Fred Myer’s in Soldotna for gas and clean underwear and continued mission.  It was good we cleared up the moose warning protocol early because we saw three more as we drove home.  It was a beautiful Alaska night and I kept the cabin of the Beast a little cool to make sure I didn’t get sleepy, but believe it or not, I did not get tired of driving at all.  I did consider giving Shannon a shift of driving just to be safe, and about the time that thought crossed my mind, Shannon pointed out a hitch hiker to me to make sure I saw him. As we passed the “hitch hiker”, I saw that it was really a road sign and also saw clearly that Shannon would not be driving us tonight. No worries – I had three more energy drinks in the cooler and I got home with two of them unopened!  My passengers all got some quality sleep and arrived safely and victoriously.
When we pulled into our drive in Eagle River, it had been 23 hours since we left and we had packed three full eight hour days of adventure into the past day. I was very proud of the Roberts crew for hanging with my ambitious plan. I had to convince Sandra to let me have her camera so I could download her pictures before I went to bed, but eventually she recognized that my OCD was not going to allow me to sleep until I had accomplished this.  It had nothing to do with the fact that I had caught the biggest fish and wanted to one up her on Facebook bragging, I just needed to complete my tasks for the day.
The Roberts made their train on time this morning clean and rested, but I had to take Cammie’s word on that because I was not conscious to witness it. They have several “days” of adventure left with us in Alaska and I have the rest of the day to plan it for them. Stay tuned…..

We had a great time - it doesn't matter a bit that I caught the biggest fish!

It was Opening Day of Alabama's Football Season and I Went Fishing

Never before have I positioned myself to be without TV and radio on the first day of Alabama's football season, but never before had I spent that first day in Alaska! There were fish to catch and my buddy (and former XO), Jim Fitzgerald was in town and this was our first and last chance of the season to go fishing together. I know my football fan friends are still a little shocked, but know that Alabama helped me out by scheduling Kent State in the first game. I mean, if they can't handle Kent State easily, it is going to be a long painful season (you Auburn fans know what I am talking about - you should have gone fishing, too). 
Fishing trips start at the butt crack of dawn and this one was no different. Carlie and I rode to the Homer spit with Jim, Mindy, and Hannah, and first stop was breakfast at the Boardwalk Bakery, where we also picked up our lunches for the trip. We had coffee, biscuits, paninies and a lot of talk about an over reaching corrupt federal government that is going to steal our fish.  Homer's entire economy is being threatened by federal regulation that will limit numbers of privately caught Halibut drastically while increasing the commercial limits.  It sounds a little like the raid on the guitar company that made the news - the government appears to be applying different rules to different people based on politics.
Since I was missing football, all that political talk got me fired up  - or maybe it was the three cups of coffee, but I was ready to go.  We headed from the bakery down to North Country Charters, whose office is right beside the Time Bandit offices. That was sort of cool, but if North Country called themselves "the Deadliest Charter," I was considering fishing from the shore - my daughter was going on this boat after all!
They did not call themselves that and in fact, we were in very good hands. Our Captain was Eric Lehm and we went out on the Storm Petrel.  Eric is a first generation American, whose parents are both German. I knew when he told us that bit of personal information that we were good to go. I am sure my buddy Ingo would see this as an answered prayer for our safety and for a good trip.
Eric took us down to the boat and gave us the safety brief. I paid close attention because those of you who follow my blog know that some kind of story always breaks out around me and I didn't want it to be one that resembled Gilligan's Island or I Shouldn't be Alive (Jay Allen's second favorite show behind Finding Bigfoot). After laying my hands on the inflatable life raft, I was more confident and ready to get going.
We started out of the harbor and stopped before we had even gone a football field away.  Just to show off, Eric caught our bait for the day.  He handed out poles and we all pulled in a couple of Alaska wall-eyed pollock (fish sticks).  We literally pulled these in as fast as we could cast. I see the pictures you people from the lower 48 post and I know we pulled in more fish than most of you do in a full day before we even started really fishing. Us native Alaskans (yes, I am native - I bought a Subaru for goodness sake) fish at break-neck speed and need our huge coolers for fish, not beer! We fish a little differently up here and looking at those fish that I would have been proud of myself in my pre-Alaska days and realizing those were only bait, I got fired up yet again! This was going to be awesome!
We started our drive out to the fishing hole and saw a humpback whale showing out just as we left.  That is why I don't believe in wild life cruises. All those wild life like to eat fish and if you go after the fish, you will see the wild life. If you want to find the Southern people where ever you live, go to where they serve biscuits and gravy - same principle.
To further make my point, we saw dozens of Sea Lions also. They were laid up sorry and making quite a ruckus, but they were all fat of fish. And not to be left out, we saw seals, puffins, otters and eagles, all sharing in the great bounty of nature that God provided.
The drive out to the first fishing hole was pretty long. We were all pretty entertained just exchanging stories and catching up. In addition to the five Fitzgeralds and Benefields, another fisher person named Judy came with us.  At the point where we were completely caught up with the eleven years since we were last neighbors with the Fitzgeralds and knew Judy and Eric's complete life history, I was beginning to have visions of Chevy Chase at the Grand Canyon.   I know people make fun of Sarah Palin for saying she could see Russia, but we drove for such a long time that people would have made fun of us for saying we could see Alaska! We were out there!
It was time for us to stop cruising the Russian shore and share in the bounty with all the other wildlife, so we got to fishing.  Captain Eric told us we would go for the big Halibut first. It went just as he said, the first two fish we caught were the biggest.  Jim caught the first and biggest of the day, but my competitive nature requires me to point out that we let Jim have the first fish because this is his last chance to fish this year.  If we were going to catch only one fish, we wanted Jim to catch it. Next time, though, I will crawl over his back to get that big one! And Carlie will crawl over my back - it gets pretty competitive out there!.
We (Jim and Mindy) caught a couple of really big fish at the first site, but things eventually started to slow down. We pulled up a huge Starfish that was an absolute marvel of nature, but as it neared the surface, it realized there had been a misunderstanding and it released our bait and went back into the ocean.  As the fishing slowed down, Eric told us some stories of the sea. The otter floating by our boat reminded him of one story that he had witnessed just the night before. There was another otter floating around doing his thing, when BAM! A killer whale came up and ate him.  That would have been quite a show, but I had just watched Soul Surfer and I didn't want to be part of any story that included, "BAM! The big sea animal ate him!"
So, not wanting to leave with only two fish and a few stories, we cranked up and left the first site and motored out to a fishing hole that was really hopping. We all ate lunch while Eric took us to the new site and that was good, because we were going to need all that energy.
As soon as Eric killed the engine, we started bringing in Halibut. Every Halibut you reel in from the bottom of the ocean feels like Moby Dick! And the later in the day it gets, the bigger you expect each fish to be when you get them to the top.  We went from two fish to our limit in about an hour and a half. We were all pulling in Halibut and started to be selective about the size of fish we kept. Back to my previous fish story, fishing in Alaska is really like NASCAR, but fishing in Alaska doesn't get rained out (at least not in Homer).
I have to praise some of the catcher people on our boat. Mindy Fitzgerald brought up some really big fish and despite sound effects that might be better suited to women's tennis, she is an awesome catcher person. Carlie and Hannah also did a great job of bringing in their fish. Hannah had one that fought her for about twenty minutes and we thought sure was going to be a record. It ended up having some old fishing line attached to it, which made it doubly hard to get to the surface, but Hannah did. Carlie refuses to let anybody help her pull in fish and I was scolded the one time I tried. Our team did awesome! It was a good thing everybody was so independent because there were a couple of times that there were four fish on the line at once.
With out limit of Halibut in the box, we started the long drive back to Homer. If you doubt that Halibut fishing is hard work, I would like to point out that everybody in my party feel asleep on the way back. We were smoked!
As we left those Halibut rich waters, I pointed out the most amazing cloud formation I had ever seen to the rest of our boat. There was the perfect form of a giant wolf on top of the mountain in the background. The wolf's head, face, legs, and tail were all visible and it was perfectly postured in a sitting position on the top of the mountain as if he was watching us leave and maybe was watching over us the whole time.  Whatever was watching over us on God's behalf did keep us safe. God also blessed us with a good day of fishing.
When we got back into the harbor area, we had to huddle to determine how much to tip our captain - I recommend you figure this out before you go so you don't have to text your wife and tell her to bring you some cash to the pier. I usually plan better than that, but I goobered it up this time and Cammie bailed me out and delivered the cash.   I think we tipped an acceptable amount for a successful trip, but I am not sure if we tipped as generously as Judy did. She and the captain were both single and I think she might have thought he was sort of cute and that probably influenced her tip formula. Cute did not influence mine - we were not out on the sea that long that I found our bearded captain cute.
When we got to the pier, the balance of Benefields and Fitzgeralds met us there and so did Charlie, the Halibut filet master. He hauled our catch to the North Country Charter Office where we took pictures and so did some tourists who were just passing by. What a foul to take your picture with somebody else's fish and claim them as your own.  We did not know these picture poachers - they weren't on the boat with us and we had never seen them before, but somewhere on the internet, they are claiming our catch as theirs! Of course, I think I did almost accidentally roll Eric's fish into our count, but we had Charlie there to keep us honest on the numbers.

When Charlie started preparing our fish, another wave of tourists happened upon us.  I had no idea fileting fish was such a tourist draw, but I did share with Charlie my experience in Valdez with the French speaking tourists. I also told him that I could tell he was a pro because he got all our fish prepared without showing any butt crack - something I still have not accomplished. 
These Alaska fishing towns have a lot of great services provided. After Charlie got our fish cut up, we had it hauled over to Coal Point to have it packaged and frozen for a small fee. We were too smoked to do this ourselves and the Halibut is just too valuable to be trusted to amateurs like us.  We dropped it off at 1600 on Saturday and picked up our fish 0800 on Sunday. What a great deal!
With our fish at the processing plant, we needed to find some fish that had already been through the processing plant and the deep fryer. After a long day, what better place could we eat than the Happy Face Restaurant. No kidding, their logo was a big yellow smiley face.   Despite the happy logo, some of our little people were not so happy. I am not going to name the child, but I have to tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed the complete melt down that occurred when we said grace before one of our little people was ready. We had to pray over our food again just for him!  That is going to be a great story when he grows up!
With our bellies full, the Benefields were ready to call it a day. The Fitzgeralds had to drive back to Eagle River Saturday and I did not envy them -I fell asleep before 8 pm and was not fit to drive. The Fitzgeralds also had to go buy a freezer early Sunday so when we got their fish home, they could keep them frozen. What a great problem to have when you have more fish than freezer space. We had just enough freezer space for all of our fish.
I can't wait to eat all that fish and refill the freezer next year!  As soon as Alabama releases its 2012 football schedule, I will know when we will be going back to Homer to get our Halibut! Thankfully, they kept up their end of the bargain this year with a 48-7 win over Kent State, but don't worry football fan friends, I will be in front of the TV next week to see Alabama take on Penn State - in front of the TV eating fried Halibut!

A Benefield Fish Story (Fish Stories are a little longer)

Taking leave in Alaska is like having a gift card to your five favorite stores, but only enough time to hit one or two of them. We wanted to do some fishing on our leave because the Salmon were running and we had space in our freezer.

We started our fishing adventures on the Deshka River, but it was just dad going out on this trip with his buddy, Mike, and his new boat. We spent three and a half hours looking for fish on that river and then in about 10 minutes, we pulled in five nice Silver Salmon.  Mike caught three as fast as he could cast and I caught two before we had to leave. When it gets going, Fishing in Alaska is more like NASCAR than it is fishing in the rest of the world.  I was hooked and now my priority became getting my kids their first fish.

So, in search of those first fish, we all loaded up in the Beast (our 84 Suburban) and drove to Hope, Alaska. The pink Salmon at Hope come in so thick at high tide that you can walk on them.  I got all my kids set up to fish, but they were still learning and not able to keep their lines in the water on their own. As a matter of fact, James hooked his own hat before I got my line wet.  Because we made a bad decision to bring our dog, Bella, Cammie was not able to help me much with the kids and I became a little frustrated with all the coaching and line tying because we weren’t pulling in any fish. I had to put the rubber fish back on James’ line for safety and had to re-tie Carlie and Jay Allen’s lines about half a dozen times. This was not going to be productive, so I made everybody responsible for their own lines and tangles, etc.  The big kids really responded well and we all got down to serious fishing.  I pulled two pretty large Pink (Humpy) Salmon out of the water before we left.  Carlie caught one fish that was in need of CPR (I actually caught it by hand and pulled the hook out of it), but she caught a live fish just the same. The boys lost interest in catching fish and wanted to whack the fish we caught in the head. Carlie wanted to fillet the two healthy ones, but I let her do one after I showed her how to fillet them.  I never thought about how much experience I had as a fisherman, but it occurred to me as I was trying to teach Carlie how to fillet those salmon that I had caught more fish in Alaska than I had caught in the entire rest of my life  - and I had only caught six.  Again, my kids were going to quickly pass me as experts in this area just like ice skating, snow skiing, snow boarding, and ice hockey. 

After we got warmed up at Hope, our next stop was Valdez, Alaska. In what may be the boldest decision our family has made in planning any vacation, we decided to take a charter boat out to catch Silver Salmon with all five Benefields (no Bella the dog, though).  We debated long and hard about whether our kids, especially James, could make it all day on a boat without a bad attitude or small disaster (like Exxon had a Valdez a few years ago), but we assumed that risk and went for it.  We threw together a plan and headed to Valdez ready to fish.

The drive to Valdez is one of the most beautiful in the world.  It is breath-taking every mile of the way and the frost heaves make the drive like a carnival roller coaster.  The Lucky Van was dragging her bumper and bottoming out every time we got over 50 mph, but we made it.  The shocks are not worn out, but there were not up to carrying a combat loaded family of five to vacation on this stretch of road.  The kids loved all the bouncing, but I was concerned we might blow a shock or a tire out in the middle of Alaska where there was no cell phone service and the bears and moose refuse to help change a tire.

After arriving safely in Valdez, we reported to the Eagles Rest RV Park to unload. As soon as we unloaded our van (think Beverly Hillbillies truck x 2), we went to Allsion’s Point to warm up our fishing muscles.  Jay Allen and Carlie both caught fish and snagged a few more. I made them throw back the snagged fish based on my understanding of the fishing regs, but I was wrong and heard about it the next day. You can keep fish snagged in saltwater, but not in fresh water (where I had fished previously).  Jay Allen may be the best in the world at snagging fish in the tail – he snagged six that way and landed four of them during our time in Valdez.  Allison point was good fishing, but even more entertaining than that was watching the Sea Lion and Seals eat dinner just a few feet from where we were fishing.  They tell me that the bears are also entertaining when they show there up to eat, but I am thankful to take their word for that. 

Before it got too late, we had to get back and eat dinner and go to bed so we could be up early for our charter.  We decided to eat at the Valdez Halibut House and were braced for a very expensive and mediocre meal, but we were wrong. The food was excellent and very reasonable!  We had Halibut and Cheeseburgers and milkshakes – perfect vacation food.  It was all amazingly good and the kids all declared they wanted to return there for dinner the following night.

Back at the Eagle’s Rest, we went through at our normal bedtime routine where kids were wild, lives were threatened, voices were raised, and feelings were hurt.  That did not bode well for a family committed to getting up at the butt-crack of dawn the next morning, but just like the first day of school, the excitement of the adventure propelled everybody to wake up on time where proper rest could not.

We headed down to the dock and found the Enough Said in slip E-8.  From the name of the boat, you would think the folks who owned it had been in the van with us on the drive down.   When Captain Mark saw three little kids getting ready to board his boat, he looked more than a little nervous. I didn't help his confidence by asking if we were the only ones on the charter.  He said yes, and I said, “That is probably best. Most people can’t spend a whole day with us.”  So off we set in miserable weather with three young children and two adults who hadn't caught ten fish in their lives between them. 
Captain Mark was half of our guide team and his wife, Admiral Geri was the other (he would say better) half.  They did a great job of making the kids understand the importance of following the rules and listening to all the commands from the crew (including their parents).  But, the biggest test would be how many fish we came home with.

So, off we went to a spot called the shower stall because of a beautiful water fall that looked like a shower stall for people 300 feet tall.  As soon as we got lines in the water, boogity-boogity-boogity, the NASCAR paced fishing started.  I pulled in the first fish of the day and then Carlie and Jay Allen pulled in the next two fish.  Cammie pulled in the next fish and then declared that was the first fish she had caught in her life. I had not realized that before we left, so we were all going to leave Valdez having caught more fish than we had caught in the rest of our lives. 

Carlie caught the most lbs of fish!

The limit for Silver Salmon was six per person in the area we were fishing and even at a NASCAR pace, it takes a while to catch 30 fish.  With four complete rookies and one unskilled novice, the Enough Said crew actually helped us catch 31 fish.  Because all salmon are not created equal, we threw back the one pink salmon that was caught so we could catch all Silvers or maybe even land a King Salmon.  And we did catch all Silvers and one was actually the second largest Silver caught in Valdez all day. Cammie won second prize in the fish derby that day and has the T-shirt to prove it. She also won some nice gift certificates, two of which have already been redeemed for fishing lures and chocolate. 

First fish of the day!

10.82 lbs and second place for the day.

I have to say I am proud of my kids for fishing all day in the rain without complaint. It was cold and it was windy, but my kids were focused and unfazed. I can’t promise that they would have done as well if the fish weren't biting, but the fish were biting so it doesn't matter.

Jay Allen put some Taekwondo on this one.

First of many fish!

Mark and Geri took good care of us even after we got off the boat as they had a skilled fish preparer named Corey waiting to cut up our fish. Corey was an absolute expert with that fillet knife. He prepared those thirty fish in less time than it took me to fillet four fish and he did it flawlessly.  He prepared fillets, steaks, and some bellies for smoking. Cammie and I were thoroughly impressed with his ability, but the kids were more interested in feeding the fish guts, heads, and tails to the birds. Corey threw the fish scraps to our kids and they threw them to the birds. They acted like that was as much fun as catching the fish and all the other folks preparing their fish were very entertained by our children.

But more important than the scraps, were the wheel barrel full of fish dinners for the Benefields. How in the world would we get all that packaged and frozen before it started going bad?  Luckily, as Geri said earlier, this was not her first rodeo and she had the answer – EZ-Freeze.  The EZ-Freeze people took our wheel barrel of fish and weighed it, packaged it, and froze it all for us.

After all the fishing, we were ready for dinner and decided to try another restaurant in Valdez called the Harbor Café. I am convinced that there is not a bad meal served in this little town. We had seafood chowder and more halibut for dinner and again, it was reasonably priced and excellent. 

With full bellies and a full day out on the boat, nobody had to be threatened or yelled at or have their feelings hurt to go to bed that night. At least, I don’t remember any of that happened, but I fell asleep at about 8:30 pm dead smoked.  Anyway, the next morning, our people were ready for more adventures.

EZ Freeze had our fish ready by 0900 the next morning, but when we got there to pick it up, we had another challenge. I don’t know about you, but I had no idea how much fish we had caught until we started trying to pack it in our coolers.  I now know that one lb of fish requires one quart in a cooler, so we were about 60 quarts short of cooler space when we showed up to get our fish back from EZ-Freeze.  So, off to Safeway to buy a 70 quart cooler and a smaller Styrofoam cooler in case we weren’t done fishing (and we weren’t).

So loaded down with frozen fish, we headed boogity-boogity-boogity back to Allison point to catch some Humpys (Pink Salmon).  The big kids could not fish enough. They had the fever and I loved watching how well they were doing.  We hauled in eight Humpys in a cold drizzle before Cammie threw a caution flag on us because somehow, she and James were in the van freezing while the rest of us were in the rain fishing.  I could have stayed out there all day watching the sea lion, the seals, and our big kids all bringing in the fish. I know people in the lower 48 like to go to the beach and get sunburned and get sand in their butt-cracks, but this seemed to be a much better deal for me, even with the rain.  Probably our best family vacation ever.

So, as the big kids kept on fishing, I started filleting our catch there on the rocks. There was an amazed group of French speaking tourists watching the sea lion, the seal, and the Benefields.  Without me knowing it, they became completely fascinated with me preparing those fish. I wish I could tell you that I did it just like Corey did the day prior, but that would be a lie. I was much slower, the fillets got a little boogered up, and more importantly, Corey did all of his work without showing any butt crack. Cammie reports that I did not and the French speaking tourists have the photographs to prove it. I can only say that at least there is evidence I had no sand in my butt crack or I would feel like a hypocrite.

After all that fishing, it was time to head home to Eagle River. Cammie and the kids ganged up on me and forced me to go back to town for dinner at the Halibut House.  That was 20 extra miles added to our six hour drive and I protested strongly by asking, “are you sure?”  So, we headed back for more Halibut, cheeseburgers, and milkshakes – a happy ending to our best vacation.

Now, all that was left was to haul our catch home on the six hour long roller coaster ride. The shocks were not up to hauling us before we added 150 lbs of fish and coolers to the load, so it was a wee bit bumpy and bouncy on the way home. I had a lot of energy drinks to make sure I stayed alert because it was so late as we headed home that it was actually getting dark (that doesn’t often happen in the summer in Alaska). To add to the thrill of the roller coaster, there were all kinds of wildlife out on the road on our drive home.   We dodged a half dozen moose and an owl, but we failed to dodge a porcupine and a bear. I straddled the porcupine and hoped for the best, but the thump on the bottom of the van did not sound good for the thorny little guy. I asked Cammie if the porcupines were a protected species, but not long after we rolled the porcupine, we came upon the bear.

This bear was not the kind that goes in the woods, but the kind who turns on his lights and asks for your license. So, if getting my butt crack photographed was not enough fame for one day, now I was going to be on Alaska State Troopers. When Trooper Baker asked me if I knew why he pulled me over, I really thought there were about three good reasons to pull me over, but none of those were right. I know some of you won’t believe this, but he pulled me over for changing lanes without a signal in a part of the road where the right lane ended.  I was never going to guess that one.  He did not pull me over for speeding or driving on the shoulder or passing in a parking lot (past offenses that I have been busted for but have never repeated).  Trooper Baker went on to say that he had been following me for several miles and I had been crossing the yellow line in different spots in the road. I said, “Yeah, the spots with porcupines and moose in the road.  The yellow line doesn’t dent my car as much as the wildlife does.”  Well, I really didn’t say that, but I sort of thought it. In reality, the Trooper was very polite and I think he was just playing the odds that anybody on the road at 0130 in the morning was up to no good. When I rolled down the window and the smell of fish and fishing gear poured out and overwhelmed him and he saw three sleeping children, he completely bought our story.  Unlike Louisiana, it is possible to get pulled over in Alaska without getting a ticket or getting insulted by the State Trooper. The Alaska State Troopers will even congratulate you on all the fish you caught! 

Trooper Baker could have probably ticketed us for having too much fun on vacation, but he decided not to, and we were thankful.  As a matter of fact, we were thankful for every minute of our Valdez getaway and all the people God let us meet (even the camera happy French speaking people).  We can’t wait for next summer’s vacation trip to Valdez. You will see us bouncing down the road in the Lucky Van with new shocks and pulling a trailer full of coolers, probably heading to slip E-8, Enough Said.

Benefield Family Firsts in 2010

• 1st Alabama National Football Championship of my children's lifetime
• 1st blizzard of Biblical proportions
• 1st time the Saints won a Super Bowl
• 1st monster truck show - mine and the boys
• 1st year of Little League Baseball for the big kids - Carlie made it to the championship game (and would have won it if one of her team mates had not quit running before he got to first) Jay Allen's league did not keep score, but Jay Allen did and won every game
• 1st time to see the Globetrotters live
• 1st time I carried somebody else's car to the beach (thanks, Josh)
• 1st time to hear Brad Paisley in concert (my elbows were on the stage during the sound check)
• 1st time I have been caught in a port-a-potty during the National Anthemn
• 1st time to see Nancy Pelosi in person
• 1st visit to the USS Wisconsin
• 1st (and 2nd and 3rd) surfing wipe out - at Norfolk
• 1st open air country music concert
• 1st time we have stayed in VIP quarters (because no real VIPs wanted them)
• 1st blowout on I-95 in Lucky
• 1st summer I have been away from home without deployment
• 1st time I have found a color of people I don't  like as a group - don't care for the blue ones - still feel dirty for seeing Avatar
• 1st blowout on I-95 in Blue
• 1st grade (for Jay Allen)
• 1st plane ride for the boys (they yelled and cheered as we took off from Dulles)
• 1st time to Alaska for four of us
• 1st time to rent a house before we saw it - I am still shocked Cammie went along with this
• 1st live moose sighting - and first time yielding to a Moose crossing the road
• 1st live bald eagle sighting in the wild
• 1st live bear sighting in the wild
• 1st car purchase off Craig's list - the Beast is still kicking
• 1st hockey game, we are now Alaska Aces fans.
• 1st time to purchase and drive on studded snow tires
• 1st time I have ever had to spread poop with a fork and inspect it (after Jay Allen swallowed a dental spacer)
• 1st time bitten by a pit bull for Jay Allen - the dog was not mean, just toooooo rough!
• 1st time to visit a Fred Myer store - it has everything!
• 1st time to visit a reindeer farm - they tried to pick our pockets.
• 1st time to see Santa ride into the neighborhood on a fire truck
• 1st time to go dog sledding - last time to wait two hours in zero degree weather
• 1st time to go snow tubing  - we are now regulars
• 1st time to live in a state with over ten reality shows! - Why the sudden popularity of Alaska, but Deadliest Catch, Ice Truckers, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Alaska Troopers, Bush Pilots - that is just a few.
• 1st time we noticed that Agent Booth on Bones has a JSU Cocky belt buckle
• 1st time our friends have posted the people they are replacing us with on Facebook after we PCS'ed - thanks Roseberrys, that hurt:-)
• 1st time that Quarterback from Mississippi (who is my age) missed a start in the NFL since I graduated college - he is the greatest QB of our time, just not the greatest example off the field
• 1st time TSA took a picture of my private parts (haven't seen them turn up on the internet yet)
• 1st time we have had Bison chili and Reindeer sausage (different meals)
• 1st time 34 degrees has felt so warm!
• 1st time Carlie brought home an F on her report card, but luckily it was in gender!
• 1st time I have had to purchase snow shovels
• 1st time one of my children used the nurse string in the hospital bathroom to get the nurse to wipe his bottom - we are hoping James becomes independent in this area.
• 1st earthquake - nothing too scary
• 1st time Cammie has carried a shotgun through an airport - and I thought she couldn't get any hotter
• 1st ice skating lessons - our kids can ice skate and we can't

What I am Thankful For

Don't mistake any lighthearted items for lack of sincere thankfulness, but I thought I should record some things I am thankful for.
I am thankful:

• that my wife is still hot after 23 years together.
• that my wife's eyesight is failing just enough that she now believes I am hot.
• for three children that are so full of life and health that they exhaust me every day. 
• that my buddy Mac McNeal is home with his entire family for Thanksgiving and doing well.
• for all the answered prayer over the past year, especially those prayers on behalf of friends who really needed them (you know who you are).
• that God is faithful to keep answering prayers for all my years.
• for all the opportunities God gives me to exercise my faith.
• for all the freedoms I have enjoyed as an American and for the Founding Fathers who gave them to us and the Fighting Fathers who preserved them for us (so far).
• for all the young men and women who volunteer to follow in the footsteps of those Fighting Fathers who serve in our country's military.
• for the Geronimo families who are going to share Thanksgiving with us tomorrow.
• for the friends around the world God has blessed us with and the tools to keep in touch with those friends (will be saying a prayer for you all tomorrow at our Thanksgiving meal).
• that I live where football comes on at 0800 in the morning on Thanksgiving, Saturdays, and Sundays - and especially for the game at 1030 this Friday.
• for the beauty of God's creation that I get to experience everyday. 
• that I didn't have to sue my old landlord (threatening to was just as effective).
• that no matter what battle God leads me to fight, I have His peace with me and His hand on me.
• for the ability to laugh at myself,  pray for my friends, lead my family, and serve my King and Savior.
• that God does not require me to list every blessing I am thankful for because He has blessed me beyond my ability to record them.

The Father of Our Country issued the first Thanksgiving proclamation - it is worth a read.
http://wilstar.com/holidays/wash_thanks.html
I pray all of you are able to sit down with family and loved ones tomorrow and give thanks to the mighty God who brought you all together! Happy Thanksgiving from a very beautiful corner of God's creation, Eagle River, Alaska!

Spreading Poop with a Fork

Expecting the unexpected is part of being a parent. For instance, when Jay Allen said while chewing a chocolate bar that the dental spacer between his molars was loose, who would have known it would turn into our most memorable family Halloween ever.
Yesterday, the big kids went to Wal-Mart with dad and as a reward for (relatively) good behavior, I bought them a chocolate bar to share.  We were supposed to open it after supper and share with Cammie and James, but Carlie got ahead of herself and opened it in the Suburban. When I discovered this, I told Carlie to put the chocolate back up and save it for desert, but she had already given Jay Allen a piece and he had wasted no time in eating it.  So, I went to plan B and told Carlie to distribute the rest of the chocolate bar between the three of us, we would eat all of it, destroy all the evidence, and never speak of this candy bar again, especially in front of Cammie and James. 
Well, God immediately punished me for this attempted deceit. The caramel in Jay Allen's candy bar pulled the spacer loose and it got mixed in with his chocolate bar. Jay Allen went from looking concerned when his spacer came loose to looking scared when he realized he had swallowed his spacer.  I will never forget the pitiful look on his face when he looked at me and said, "I swallowed my spacer."
For reasons that will become evident soon, I regret laughing at my son at that moment.  I got him calmed down and called his mother, who called the dental emergency line while we drove home from Wal-Mart. Before we got home, the dental nurse, Wade, had us on a conference call running the checklist.
Can the child swallow without pain? Yes (my Pepsi and Cammie's sandwich).
Was the child hurting in the stomach (or anywhere else)? No.
Was there any bleeding? No.
So, Wade informed us that we were out of danger and ALL we had to do was have Jay Allen poop on a newspaper (the NY Times if I could find one) for the next three days and slice his poo until we found the swallowed spacer. Knowing that Cammie would deny ever hearing this, I immediately had her acknowledge those instructions with Wade as a witness before I let him go.  She acknowledged, but with an ominous  laugh.
So, Jay Allen was in no pain and no longer panicked, but more than a little embarrassed that everybody was laughing at his predicament and that he would be regressing from potty trained to house-broken.  It didn't help that we kept joking with him, like when I told him to keep the sword with his Pirate costume because he would need it to slice his poop.  I even told a friend on the phone of his predicament and she laughed so loud Jay Allen could hear it across the room and started yelling, "It's not funny."  I won't even get into the jokes about the chocolate bar that he was eating when the spacer came out, but we had quite a few laughs at his expense.
The jokes, though not the laughter, stopped cold when Jay Allen declared, "I have to go!" I looked at Cammie, who was tearing up horribly from laughter and I said, "You know what to do!"  She knew exactly what to do - she reminded me all the diapers and bodily functions I missed while deployed and she dispatched me to the upstairs bathroom with a plastic fork. So, for all of the young men who aspire to be dads, let me tell you there will be proud moments aplenty, but the moment you are spreading poop with a plastic fork is not one of them.
Jay Allen might be embarrassed that people find out about this, but I don't give a rip after spreading poop. Cammie really doesn't want me to share this with the world, but that's the price you pay for punting with the poop is on the paper. I appreciate all the parents who will read this and say a prayer for me today, because THE SPACER WAS NOT IN POOP #1! I have to do this again and Cammie has already given me the "I will gag and die if I have to do that!", so I get to spread poop with a plastic fork tomorrow, too! And maybe Monday! Really, people, it doesn't have to hit the fan for things to get bad, this is bad. I don't know if I am sharing my predicament to get back at my family, who has put me in charge of this operation, or to give somebody a laugh, or if I am looking for sympathy, but all three motives seem valid to me. I know some of you just think this is funny crap, but it is not nearly as funny to me, now, as it was before the first plastic fork spreading.
Lord have mercy on me and let Jay Allen pass this spacer tomorrow!  If any of you will add this prayer request to your own prayer list, I will be thankful and will hug you in Heaven for it.
That is all from Alaska!

The Fall in the Wild

Moving on up - to ALASKA

It is PCS season for the Benefields. We are moving from the political jungle of Washington DC to the final frontier of Alaska. It is the adventure of five lifetimes and we are well on our way!
Military families expect to move every three years and leave good friends behind.  When you leave a military community, there are sad goodbyes, but a lot of understanding based on the common experience of moving every couple of years. When a military family leaves a civilian community, there are sad goodbyes and it is not part of a common shared experience.  As we prepared to leave, I began to worry about how some of our friends were taking the departure of our family. I think the only thing that allowed some of them to cope with our move is they almost as happy to see me go as they were sad to see Cammie and the kids leave - that's just a theory, but a good one.
The good-byes were long and tearful and I began watching everybody who came by the house very closely to make sure nobody was going to chain themselves to our minivan or kidnap any of our children to delay our PCS. While watching all these goodbyes that I imagined to be the most emotional event since the premier screening of Old Yeller, I realized that I was a little desensitized to the emotions of moving. The day prior, I had said goodbye to our close friends the Roserberrys, who were stationed with us in Louisiana. Our goodbyes were along the lines of, "I'll see you on Facebook, Rhonda. See ya, Ryan. Come visit." No tears and a couple of brief hugs. We will see each other again.  I won't miss them less than our neighbors will miss my family, but I learned what a difference experience and expectations make.
Another thing on my mind during all the goodbyes were all the things we still needed to accomplish. Sixteen hours out from our flight and we still had things in the refrigerator, had not packed our bags, and I had to do something with my car. Those of you who know me know how much fun I was to be around while this was weighing on me.  I tried to relax, but I had to pray through this in order to not have a stroke.
We got back to our hotel room sometime around 2130 and got the kids in bed as quickly as possible. Cammie starting setting stuff aside to donate to Goodwill and throwing stuff away. I took the lead in organizing the bags after she had them mostly packed so we would be sure not to have more than we could carry through the airport. I laid two bags by each person's clothes for the next day.  By 2300, we were somewhat ready, but we had two hampers and three boxes of stuff that we had to dispose of.  Our neighbor volunteered to help us with that so I planned to take all the stay behind stuff to her house the next morning while I handed over the keys to my car.
The small drama over the fate of my old car Blue had an unusual, but happy ending. While preparing our house to turn over to our landlords, I explained to a man I had just met, Coach Mac, the dilemma of what to do with my Fairlane while I lived in Alaska.  I did not have the means to get the car to South Carolina or Alabama, where I had volunteers to store her, and get myself back to DC to fly out to Alaska. The Army would not allow me to fly out from Atlanta, so I was a bit stuck.  I could not get Blue to Alaska without great expense and time, neither of which I could afford. The gentleman looked at me and said, "I would love to have your car." I asked how much he would pay for it and he hesitated a minute, but I made a quick counter offer. "How would you feel about buying it from me and agreeing to sell it back in three years?" He liked that deal so much that a tear came to his eye. Actually, a few tears came to his eye, but it was from happiness. For $1.00, I sold my beloved old car to a Christian brother who is already using the attention that car draws to talk to people about Jesus. I told him that it would be fine with me to update the Ten Commandments license plate with something more New Testament and he teared up again.  We established a handover time of 0730 the morning of 25 September to complete the transaction.
We now had a great plan for 25 September. A 0700 wake up for the family. I would have donuts from Dunkin in the room when they wake up for motivation. Then, I would be off to drop the stay behind package at the neighbor's, hand over Blue's keys to Coach Mac, and then return to the room for a 0900 shuttle ride to the airport. A perfect plan, until.....
At 0550 in the morning, my cell phone went off and I got there in time to see an 800 number that I thought was a telemarketer. But, telemarketer's don't leave voice mails and this caller did. I checked the voice mail and heard United Airlines tell me that my flight, "has been affected by a cancellation." What in the world did that mean? Did they cancel the in flight movie or my flight? I called the reservation number and found out that our nice 1245 flight was canceled. The only flight from Dulles that would make our connection to Alaska was a 0930 flight. Three hours cut out of our perfect plan, but it was our only option. I had the lady switch all five of us to the 0930 flight and she confirmed we were all re-booked.
So, Cammie and I huddled and issued a quick FRAGO. I was immediately off to drop the stay behind package, text Coach Mac to have him meet me at the hotel instead of my house, re-schedule the hotel shuttle for 0715, and bring back donuts. Cammie would wake the kids and pillow pets and get all the luggage on a cart.  It was now 0615 and we had one hour to execute.
I returned to the hotel at 0655 and saw our cab driver waiting in the lobby (it was too early for the shuttle),  a fully loaded luggage cart in the room, three dressed kids, and a wife who I was extremely proud of - Cammie does not like to be rushed, but she responded like a paratrooper.
At 0705, Coach Mac texted from the parking lot and was there to take custody of Blue. God was smiling on us and everything was going on time. I gave Coach Mac the car and our last two Dunkin Donuts and we exchanged a good strong Christian handshake to seal the deal.  I cried a little as my car pulled away, but then I remembered there are always reunions!
At 0714, I walked back into the hotel and saw our luggage cart getting off the elevator.  I was proud of my family for pulling this off. The gentleman driving our cab wanted our kids to ride two to a seat to make room for the luggage, so I had to send him to the driver's seat while I loaded the luggage and the family to meet Virginia safety laws and Mommy Benefield's standards. All my years of hauling hay paid off that day and every bag was secure and every Benefield had their own seat belt on the way to the airport.  And just to reassure my old hay hauling buddies, there was nothing tied to the top of the mini-van taxi - we got it all inside.
We arrived at the airport a little early because, well, because I don't trust the people who work for United or at Dulles to be efficient.  My suspicions were somewhat confirmed when we checked in and found that the reservation agent had only re-booked Cammie and the kids. I was still on the canceled flight. The agent who helped us at the airport was grumpy due to a barking dog, but she was very efficient (my kind of people). She got us seats somewhat together with time to mosey through security.
After we checked our bags, I gathered the family for another FRAGO on security procedures. After the brief, tThe kids acknowledged that they would empty their pockets, take off their shoes, remove their belts, and James acknowledged that he WOULD NOT get naked as we passed through security. I have seen a lot of families go through the security line and I think we might have the Dulles record for a family of five. It was like an OPFOR battle drill. Again, I was proud of my crew.
With all the focus on getting to the airport, we had not really talked much about the flight for a few days. So, we assembled at the gate for a refresher on Benefield flight procedures. It was a pretty simple brief- if any of my children misbehaved on the flight or deliberately caused a scene, there would be several consequences. The first infraction would cause Santa Clause to strike them from his list. Any misbehavior beyond that and I would start giving away their favorite toys.  If it got really bad, I would issue them prison clothes and make their rooms in Alaska look like prison cells until they were properly rehabilitated. My kids were under a lot of stress, but this was not time to tolerate bad behavior.
Deterrence worked! My kids were excited, but well behaved on the plane. As the plane took off, Jay Allen yelled, "YEAH, BABY!" James yelled out, "I berlieve I can fly!" Jay Allen couldn't get enough - he wanted to "blast off" instead of "take off".  Carlie was quietly just as excited, and all together, we are quite a comedy show.  We should have charged all those laughing passengers for the extra entertainment.  Watching my three kids, it is easy to forget that many people are scared of flying. 
When we got to Chicago, we had an almost five hour layover. We learned from friends in Alaska that there was a huge earthquake there while we were flying, but no significant damage. I could only think that was a warm up for what James would bring to the state. We ate lunch and tried to contain our children, but they spent almost all of their good behavior.  We loaded the plane just before Santa had to get his red pen out.
As we boarded the plane, I pointed out to James a gentlemen wearing a sweatshirt from the Arkansas Razorbacks, Alabama's opponent that day. I planted an idea in his head and was proud of James when we boarded the plane. The Arkansas fan was sitting in the first seat we passed and James stopped and said, "YOU ARE GOING DOWN, PORK CHOP! ROLL TIDE!" The guy in the sweatshirt and all the surrounding passengers really enjoyed that - more than the game as it would turn out.

The flight to the final frontier was long and a bit challenging. The first challenge was that the movie was supposed to be the Karate Kid. The kids were sorely disappointed when the movie turned out to be the Grownups, but being the veteran parents we are, we had video games and activity books on hand for plan B.  
My kids are just not normal and do not have many fears (flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz withstanding). On the flight into Anchorage, we had the worst turbulence I have ever experienced on a commercial flight.  It was so bad I was looking for the yellow oxygen masks and I think I saw the tail of the plane pass the nose once. Jay Allen slept through it and Carlie and James laughed and cheered the worse it got.  This was quite a contrast to the tense atmosphere created by the other passengers, who were gasping, crossing themselves, and praying up a storm. I was worried that some of the terrified passengers were going to yell at my kids, but none did. I was strangely amused and worried at the same time, but again, proud of my kids for being so fearless.  Different experience and different expectations showed themselves again.

Airport Bear

When we landed, we snapped a couple of pictures with the stuffed bears in the airport and then ran over to reunite with our friends the Sanders, who were with us in Louisiana, too. See what I mean about military farewells - there are always reunions.
The Sanders brought our new vehicle, THE BEAST, to the airport for us so we were instantly mobile.  The BEAST is an 1984 Surburban that the kids have already embraced as the family vehicle. I bought it off Craig's List for a very small sum, but I have doubled my investment since adding snow tires and replacing the battery and alternator.  I am going to have to buy jumper cables and remember to carry warming blankets in the car in case it ever has issues again, but still, it is a rolling playground par excellence.  

The BEAST

The Alaskans told us to be thankful we got to Alaska before it got cold. It was 28 degrees our first morning here. I am sure glad it was not cold! MERCY!

Alaska is a different planet. There are Eskimos and Russians and all kinds of different flavors of people and creatures here. Moose crossing signs and public service announcements to stay away from bears are common. There are also signs everywhere reminding you that, "It is illegal to feed foxes." Cammie is going to starve!

But alas, I did feed Cammie and did so at the Snow City Cafe in Anchorage for our first meal in Alaska. It was the absolute best breakfast we have ever eaten and well worth the car payment it cost!  I have never had a crab omelet before, but it was number one!  All the kids had hot chocolate and Cammie had a fru fru coffee that she thoroughly enjoyed. The only uncomfortable part of breakfast was trying to keep James from talking about the host's many piercings. He had a nose ring that I almost convinced myself was there so he could be pulled through the snow in case he slid off the road into a ditch.

Snow City

As we spent our first full day in Alaska, we discovered that every Alaskan works for the tourism bureau, or at least it seems like it. Alaskans love their state like southern folk love their SEC football. I am not exaggerating. The welcome wagon overwhelmed us many times over and we loved it (still loving it).

The big kids are now Birchwood Mustangs and James is Little Lamb of Peace, the name of the Lutheran pre-school. Carlie and Jay Allen have a PE teacher named Mr. Armstrong and they are already signed up for a 3k and 1k race respectively. Mr. Armstrong told us about the ice skating and cross country skiing and came just short of saying, "I have the coolest adult job ever!"
So, the Benefields are braving the final frontier and already going native. I caught myself on the phone today saying, "That's not too cold," when my buddy told me that it would only get down to single digits here in the winter. To go native faster, I think we will go see what an Alaskan football game looks like this Friday.  The Chugiak High School Mustangs are in the football playoffs and from what I hear, we have more people working in our concession stands at high school games in Alabama than they have in the stands here. I am really hoping for a moose to run on the field - nothing would please my kids more! 

 

Four Days of Fast and Furious Vacation

We are moving this summer, but we don't know when. The kids didn't get out of school until June 24th and they are likely to start back to school by August 17th.  I am in school until September. If you are confused about our situation, just be thankful that you are not us.
So, because of our crazy summer, we took a mini-vacation over the Forth of July Weekend.  Cammie and the kids drove down on Friday and we started our weekend.  We went to the PX and picked up a few supplies for the weekend and made our plan for the rest of the day.  While checking out at the PX, the lady working the register swore that I looked just like Kenny Chesney.  I had never heard that one before, so I checked it out and asked my kids. They said no way - I don't even own a cowboy hat.  I may look a little like the country singer/songwriter, Jason Benefield, but an older, clean shaven version.
Now supplied with all life's necessities, we hustled the kids to the beach at Damneck Military Reservation.  It was a great little spot just for military families.  The kids played until we were exhausted and then we planned our trek back to home base (at Norfolk).
We were hungry when we started the journey back, but were soaking wet.  Since we couldn't sit down in a respectable restaurant, we called a Domino's Pizza for pick up enroute.  Actually, Cammie called and the guy at the Domino's was very friendly and funny. I suspected he was trying to flirt, but Cammie did not participate. She said as she hung up, "Mr. Funnyman finally took my order."
When we stopped to pick up our pizza, I stayed with the kids in the Lucky van and Cammie went inside to pick up the pizza. A deliveryman came out with some fresh pies and asked us how we were doing and what our plans for Independence Day were. I told him we weren't sure, but we were staying on the Naval Reservation.  He said, "Oh, you are with Cammie!"  I was taken aback and then realized this was Mr. Funnyman.  He then began to rattle off all the events and local sites we should see for the 4th.  I suspected that he was trying to flirt, but I would not participate.  Actually, he was just very friendly, but Mr. Funnyman was not his true identity. In his list of recommendations, he included the Virginia State Zoo in Norfolk.  I said we would likely go there and he said, "I do a couple of shows over there. I am a monkey."  We did not know what exactly that meant and after our visit, we still do not.  But, Mr. Funnyman is a real live monkey of some kind. 
For the next two days, our kids quoted the Pizza Monkey as a great authority on Independence Day events in Norfolk. Honestly, I have to admit that he was right on the money with every recommendation and every bit of 411.  Pretty good work for a pizza monkey.
So, the next day, the Benefield Five were all the zoo when the gates opened.  The kids had a great time and even I enjoyed Virginia's State Zoo. It was more scenic than most zoos and let us get eye to eye with everthing from Meerkats to Giraffes. As we ended our visit, we didn't have a complete consensus on whether we wanted to ride the train, so Cammie took James for a train ride while I took the big kids to the gift shop. Since James would pay $2 for his train ride, I authorized each big kid $2 for the gift shop. I thought we would be playing mission impossible to find something for $2, so I let them pool their money to share something for $4. Can you believe there was an entire rack of little stuffed animals for $1 and some for 50 cents?!  I am proud of my big kids because they bought themselves colored bean bag frogs (green and blue) and then asked if they could buy James an animal - all within budget!  They picked out the purple giraffe for James, which he instantly dubbed a "bergaffe", despite our efforts to identify it correctly as a giraffe. 
Now, the kids all loved their new stuffed animals, but Jay Allen had the bright idea of throwing his green frog on the roof of our guest quarters.  Cammie shot some video of me trying to rescue the frog and know when you see it that the vibration in the video is from Cammie's laughter. I almost had that little frogger free when he fell into the gutter. I ultimately failed to recover the frog and had to promise Jay Allen an FRU to get him to quit obsessing about getting somebody to recover the original frog.  By the way, FRU stands for Frog Replacement Unit - I will be re-visiting the Zoo gift shop this week.
After experimenting with a public beach in Norfolk Saturday evening, we headed back out to the military beach early Sunday morning.  The waves were "wicked" as the kids say. Actually, the waves were literally wicked.  It was great fun to get out in the surf, but after only a few minutes, Carlie got turned completely upside down and had so much sand in her hair that she looked more like a life size piece of beach art than a real person. Bless her heart, she waited until she got back to our little piece of the beach before she started crying, but she took quite a lick to the gut and the noggin.  She shook it off after an hour or so, but that set the tone for the rest of the day.
Jay Allen took heed and stayed in water no deeper than his knees. James had a life vest and a kick board and was a little more brave than his wise brother. James did temper his bravery by staying with me in the deep water, but eventually, a wave came in that turned me upside down, too. I kept James above the surface, but his Nemo kickboard got away. So, when I came up out of the water, all I heard was James screaming, "NEMO!" and pointing toward his wayward kickboard.  I turned around to recover it when a second wave hit me in the face so hard that I lost my NRA hat and my favorite sunglasses.  Jay Allen reocovered my NRA hat as it violently washed into the ankle deep water with the wave, but my glasses were gone forever, Poseidon only knows where.
While I was engaged in hand to hand with the Atlantic Ocean, behind me, James was getting pile drived by the wave that claimed my glasses. I turned around in time to see Cammie rushing into the water to grab James's two legs. His two legs were sticking straight up in the air!  We pulled him out of the water and saw that he had Carlie's sand sculpture hair do.  He was disoriented for a minute, swore (with nice words) he was never going back in the ocean and then declared the whole experience, "AWESOME!"
After the beach, we went to Fort Monroe for their independence celebration. The local country music stations sponsored the event and they had Emily West and Jimmy Wayne as the featured artists.  If you are having a hard time explaining all the facts of life to your young children, take them to an open air country music concert and catch up. We learned almost all the dirty words (luckily James did not know these when the wave capsized him), almost every kind of sin, and every sad occasion of life. By the time we life, the kids knew stories about breaking every one of the ten command.ments! That was our payback for skipping Sunday School on the 4th of July.  
The first artist, Emily West is a very talented musician, but a bit confused on the difference in a Honky Tonk crowd and a family oriented event at a military installation. She will figure it out, but by the time she does, somebody will teach her kids dirty words and trashy country music songs. 
Jimmy Wayne, on the other hand, is a class act with an inspiring story. He closed his set with, "I Love You This Much." Of course, our kids were either asleep or looking for fireworks by the time he did that song, but it was very moving for Cammie and me.  Look up Jimmy Wayne, his story, and his music. He has a powerful testimony.

After the concert and the truly awesome fireworks display, I had to carry our stunt surfer, James, back to the van and drive all my sleepy people back to the Naval Base after a long day. You would think that we would rest the next day, but noooo.  We were off to Busch Gardens.
My kids went wide open all day at Busch Gardens and rode almost every possi ble ride. If you have never been, go see the Pet Shenanigans. It is a show put on by animals rescued from local shelters and it is hilarious.  The animals and trainers do a great job and our kids absolutely loved it.  Busch Garden also has two bald eagles and several other unique attractions that make it a great family event. You are not Dad of the year if you don't ride the Super Grover roller coaster more than four times, so mail me my award now and save time.
Actually, Dad was pretty grumpy and tired by the end of the day, but the kids were pretty well behaved.  They were all sound asleep on the way home and I suspected they would sleep on the way to Alabama the next day, but Cammie said they did not. They actually behaved so badly for Cammie that they proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will never leave them on the side of the road for bad behavior. If she would do such a thing, it would have happened today.  So, the grandparents and aunts and uncles in Alabama are going to get a chance to love some rotten little people who are more tired than they have ever been.
Even rotten, I miss those little monkeys and wish we could stock up on energy drinks and do the whole thing again this weekend. I pray all your family vacations are just as frenetic, but you might want to stretch them over a couple of weeks instead of a long weekend.

The Memorial Day Concert

Cammie and I volunteered to work the Capital Concert Series Memorial Day Concert. We were part of the team that got the VIP guests registered.  Our specific job was to get the folks that showed up at the wrong gate to the right place.  We did not know it, but we were at one of the absolute best spots for meeting impressive people. There were better known celebrities entering the other gate, but I wouldn't trade with them.
Before we stood our post, Cammie and I were hanging around as the set up team put names on the chairs in front of the stage. Impressive names - Pelosi, Powell, Casey, and many others.  Since we were new members of the team, I sensed that they didn't trust us to get the right names on the right chairs, so we ended up doing nothing for a few minutes before somebody directed us to the stage where Brad Paisley was warming up. I don't want you country fans to be jealous, but we were so close to Brad, we could tell you what flavor of chewing gum he was chewing. I knew who Brad is, I have heard his songs, but I think he won me over as a fan just last night. The kid can really sing and he tried to speak to every military person in uniform he saw.  After he ran through his set and the cameras figured out how to shoot the stage with a crowd around it, we left the stage to get our event briefing.
Our briefing was long and detailed, but the message was really this - get the right people to the right place and don't accidentally insult any of them or walk in front of a live camera.  This was going to be tough duty for me.
Cammie and I were posted under the supervision of our neighbor, Bob. The three of us were positioned at a public exit that doubled as the handicap entrance.  The set up for last year's concert was different and I believe that is why the staff correctly assumed some of the wayward VIPs would enter our gate. The guests of the National Symphony Orchestra were supposed to enter there and one of their representatives completed Team Bob. We did a very informal coordination brief with the Capital Police which established that somebody with a gun on their hip would turn away folks who were not supposed to enter and one of Team Bob would escort wayward VIPs to the correct entrance whether it be the NSO gate or the VIP registration.  The Capital Police ran a tight ship, but we did see one infiltrator stop and put on a back brace just before entering. That young lady didn't need that back brace unless she had sprained it while sun-bathing on the lawn minutes earlier. 
Before we got busy, I checked our water supply at the outside gate and went to the nearest facilities to prepare myself for a long stretch without a bathroom. You would think as long as I have been around that I would know the protocol for every situation, but I found a new one. What is the proper thing to do when the National Anthem plays while you are in a porta potty?  I found myself in (dark green) conundrum, so I quickly exited and assumed the appropriately respectful posture for the Star Spangled Banner. Then, halfway through, I lost all confidence that I had zipped my pants and I had to check.  I was good and I don't think anybody noticed  me.
So, as the concert approached, we began to get a few guests at our gate.  Two of the first VIPs who came through our gate were two Gold Star Widows who were there with the TAPS program (http://www.taps.org/). As I walked the two ladies to the proper entrance, I offered to carry the baby that the very young widow was carrying.  She declined and said that the little girl behaved a little unpredictably with men because she missed her daddy.  Nothing gets your mind right for Memorial Day like a six month old little girl in her mother's arms who will never see her daddy again.  Luckily, there was enough sweat around my eyes to camouflage anything else that might have appeared.  As the mom prepared to go through the security gate, I couldn't resist reaching out and touching the little girl on the arm and smiling at her. She smiled back and I said a quick prayer that somebody on this earth would watch over her on her father's behalf.
I walked back to my post and was really thankful that we had drawn this gate. We weren't greeting celebrities, but the real VIPs of Memorial day.  I had not been back long with a large group of older ladies dressed in white showed up. These were the Gold Star Mothers.  What a great group of ladies!  I escorted them all the way into the concert area and we arranged to bypass the registration table because several of the Vietnam mothers had a hard time walking, but they never complained.  They were the age of my late grandmothers and they were a hoot, just like my grandmothers!  The ladies were very excited that they saw Joe Montegna as they entered and let me know that he always visited with them during these concerts. They were huge fans of Joe, as am I, but more so today after learning that he is such a fan and supporter of the Gold Star Moms.  If you watched the concert, you may have seen the Gold Star Moms all in white in some of the camera shots. If you know any of these ladies, tell them they are a national treasure!
The next VIPs I escorted in were a Gold Star family. I don't know remember their names, but they were a great bunch of folks, too. As I carried them in to registration, Gary Sinise was standing right by us. I pointed him out to the young daughters of the family.  "Who?" they asked. Gary Sinise, you know, LT Dan. "He dances." No, LT Dan, the CSI NY guy.  OHHHH, the CSI NY guy. They turned to tell one of the adult ladies that they had just seen the CSI NY guy and she began to interrogate me. She had walked right by him without noticing and was completely beside herself.  So, I made one wrong turn on the way to registration to give them the best chance to see him again, but he had already stepped into his trailer.  The lady was crestfallen and made me promise to tell Gary Sinise that she "hearts him."  Luckily, I think she got to meet him at the reception afterward and I was off the hook.  It struck me is that the teenagers had no idea who LT Dan is.  Is Forrest Gump ancient history already?
While I was escorting this family in, two more VIPs showed at our gate.  Two Medal of Honor recipients entered and Cammie escorted them to the proper gate. I regret that we did not get their names, but I spotted the distinctive medals from a couple hundred meters away and made a straight line to them. In a normal military setting, I would have saluted the men, but since I was not in uniform or on duty, I shook their hands and told them it was an honor to meet them.  I was really overcome with gratitude for all these heroes and VIPs I had met. They all made a great effort to thank me and the others for helping them get to the right place - we should have been thanking them -just great people.
Another great guy I saw entering the concert is Dennis Haysbert.  I met him briefly in Baghdad and found him to be more impressive in person than on TV. When I first met him, I told him he was my favorite president and in the spirit of Ronald Reagan, I think maybe he should take a run at the White House in real life. 
After the concert started, we were relieved from our post and were able to join the crowd. We ended up sitting in front of several of the people we had escorted in and can attest that they all really enjoyed the concert.
While we were watching the concert, we got to see Colin Powell and several other dignitaries at close range.  I believe they all did a great job of honoring our fallen comrades and I was deeply moved by the concert/memorial service.  All of the celebrities at this event were a cut above the normal Hollywood crowd.  I only heard good things about all of the "talent" at this event, including Lionel Richie. Since Cammie and I missed his first performance, we were thankful to see our favorite artist of the night sing America the Beautiful to close the show.
The end of the show was not the end, though. Security stopped me at the end of my row of chairs and had me wait. As I waited, they escorted Speaker Pelosi right by me. She was carrying a really cute little baby and I could have reached out and touched them both.  Grandmother Pelosi seems to be a really likable person.  I won't be less critical of the Speaker's politics in the future, but I am thankful for the respect she paid to our fallen as the senior representative of our government that night.  She did not get the rock star quality reception from the crowd that Colin Powell and Brad Paisley received and I don't think she expected it, but she was there. That is something and I give her credit for that.
If you get a chance to watch the 2010 or future Memorial Day Capital concerts, I encourage you to do so.  And, while watching, raise a glass and drink a toast to our fallen comrades and the loved ones they left behind.  As we gather with former Geronimos today, we will take time to do that as well.

The Haircut from Herndon

I broke my normal routine and went for a haircut before work this morning.  I also broke a standing rule that once I find a good barber, I don't change. This was a new barber shop that was conveniently located, so I wanted to try them out.
I showed up at the barber shop before they opened and hoped to get in the front of the line. Actually, I got in before the line. The gentlemen cleaning up took me right in and put me in his chair for the first haircut of the day.  Looking back on it, that might have been his first haircut ever! 
I told him that I wanted a high and tight flat top, but there was not a clear sign of cognition on his part. There was much pointing and quizzical looks, so I keep saying, "REAL SHORT!" louder and louder.  I knew I was in trouble when the man sprayed Febreze in my hair instead of water.  The "barber" began giving me a high and tight flat top with scissors!  I have seen scissors used after clippers, but never had I received a flat top with scissors.  I am pretty sure that I didn't receive a flat top with scissors today, either, because my haircut was beyond description. It was like watching a train wreck and it kept getting worse. Those of you who know me know that my facial expressions told the barber exactly what I thought of my haircut and that just made him nervous. Now, I was getting a flat top with shaky scissors!  I tried to relax, but it was killing me watching my haircut go bad. And it went bad for nearly an hour! When the gentleman finished, I asked for a mirror, but he refused to hand me one. When I got to my car, I figured out why. My hair was boogered up like a mangy dog after it wollered in road kill. It was terrible.  I was better groomed when I arrived and realized that the man never spoke or acknowledged a single word of English during my entire visit.  I think I actually got a haircut from a member of the cleaning crew!
There was no way I could go to work in this condition,  so I quickly determined that I was going to get a second hair cut today.  I went back to my old barber shop in Chantilly!  When I walked in, all the ladies gasped and the man said a curse word in Vietnamese (yes, I recognized it). They were all fixated on my hair and I just said, "Help!"
They asked, "what happened?"  I explained that I had been given a flat-top with scissors and they all said, "Ahhhh. You are the second one."
The owner of the barber shop summoned the flat top specialist from the back of the barber shop and the renovation began. I had a complete makeover. When I walked in, my eyebrows were longer than my hair. I had two ear-fros, my original term for excessive ear hair (not an afro, but an ear-fro). My ear-fros were so scary, a child went running out crying (that is a true story).  And, there was an embarrassing nose hair issue.  So, before she even got to the flat top, she trimmed away all the hair on me that would confuse an Evolutionist about which museum I escaped from. 
After all those issues were addressed the flat top work began.  She did a great job in spite of the damage done earlier. I had a front to rear fade, a two helicopter landing zone, and a multi-level duplex on my head when we started and I had a respectable high and tight flat top when we finished. The flat top specialist at Sully Barber Shop in Chantilly earned a big tip today!  If any of you need a flat-top, go there first. It is much easier than getting a haircut from Herndon.