The Benefield men just joined the world of Monster Truck fans. We drove to Baltimore for Monster Jam and had a great time. I thought we should show a couple hours early, but that was not the best idea. They didn't open the gates until an hour before the event for normal tickets. We were not getting in the arena before then without a special pass, UNLESS....
Since we were so early, we hit the local eating establishments. First, I treated the boys to Dunkin Donuts, their favorite! Then we moved on to McDonald's for a lunch-like treat. To give you an idea of how rough this McDonald's was, they had crime scene tape in the supply closet. There was a drug dealer distributing pills from a prescription bottle and I had to act like I didn't notice so as not to get stabbed. I did get noticed pretending not to notice, though, and the buyer started watching me. He stood up when I stood up and he followed us out. There was another dad in the McDonald's and I planned my exit with his just in case of such an event. As we all walked toward the arena, I prepared to hand my boys to the dad beside us and refresh my hand to hand skills on the streets of Baltimore. Luckily, the buyer decided to turn off. I mean, good gravy, we wanted to see Monster trucks, not a street fight!
The arena was still not open for Monster Jam, but they did have a boy scout event a couple of hours early that allowed the scouts and parents to meet all the drivers and see the trucks before the show. I managed to infiltrate behind a line of boy scouts and act like I was looking for my troop leader (who was holding the passes). When asked if I was with the Boy Scouts, I simply said, "Absolutely, all the way," and I was honest about not not having any passes, but the lady assumed one of my boys must be a scout and that our troop leader had our passes. We had a great time walking around with the scouts looking at the trucks and will continue to give Boy Scouts our full support in the future! I am also thankful that I got to refresh my infiltration skills and not my hand to hand skills, which is what I fear would have happened if we had been kicked back outside with the drug buyer from McDonald's.
The Monster Jam show was very well done. I enjoyed it immensely and the boys were just blown away. The trucks and bikes and motorcycles were all awesome performances. We spent our entire souvenir and snack allowance before the show, but the boys have gravedigger hats and banners and cotton candy to show for it.
There was a dad near me who was about to get into a fight with an obnoxious mom in front of us who kept blocking our view (no, it was not me- he was sitting by me), but the usher sat her down and threatened her sufficiently after she gave my neighbor dad the hand. I hadn't seen that kind of display in person in a long time, so I just counted that as a bonus to the show!
We are officially Grave Digger fans, now, without a doubt. I would say we really "dig" Grave Digger(thus the catchy title of my blog). I can't claim much interest in Monster Trucks before the show, but the show won me over. I am also proud of my boys for being so well behaved. Believe it or not, James went to sleep in the loudest part of the show, but I am not complaining. I did have to carry him a mile back to the van in my arms, but I think most dads would agree that its nice to still have little ones that you can tote. This was definitely a top boys' night out memory for us.
Next, the whole family goes to see the Globetrotters Wednesday night!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
How I Married the Prettiest Girl From my Hometown
It is a mystery to most who know my beautiful wife why she married me. Of course, that question assumes she had a choice. The real story is that I chose her and I won her the way Grant won the Civil War - determined persistence!
Since we are snowed in just prior to Valentine's Day and the Valentine's gift might be a little limited this year (a fried spam sandwich has not been ruled out, yet), I am going to write this romantic tale as a part of this year's Valentine's package .
One time at band camp (no, really), I saw this beautiful young girl with long, long legs coming right out of her armpits. She had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen and had big 80s hair like the band Poison (not that I was ever attracted to them). I looked at her for just a second, made some decisions, and started re-ordering my future.
Having planned the rest of my life in fifteen seconds, I told the guy next to me, my buddy Walker, that I was going to marry that girl. He asked which one and I pointed to Cammie, saying, "the one with legs coming straight out of her armpits." Walker looked at me uncomfortably and said, "that is my cousin's girlfriend!"
What would have been a setback for most people was a stroke of luck for me. I said to Walker, "Well, you better tell him." And Walker did. And in a couple of weeks, the cousin was all but a memory. There was a high speed chase and resulting juvenile probation that involved this character later, but he was on his way out.
Thus began a long courtship. Though many teachers and friends tried to discourage her from associating with me at all (God rest Mary Neal's soul for her lone voice of encouragement), I persisted as Cammie resisted and her resistance weakened year by year. What began as Cammie's attraction to the mullet I was rockin' in high school grew and grew, like kudzu in a forest.
There were a few dubious characters who tried to kill the kudzu and contest this courtship, but they were all ultimately unsuccessful. In spite of promises I made to her and threats I made to my competitors, Cammie did momentarily leave her senses to break up with me in 1991. As we broke up, I just explained to her that she was making the worst mistake of her life and that she would be back. This was theater on my part as I was really crushed and could barely function, but I got my message across. And no Tim Tebow, I didn't cry (in public) and I (barely) survived until Cammie regained her sanity.
Cammie did come back to me later that year. And as the talentless, over-matched, outclassed U.S. Grant won the Civil war with overwhelming numbers, I won her hand in marriage with overwhelming love. What did I promise Cammie to seal the deal? I promised her that we would have beautiful children, that she wouldn't have to work (irony - she is shoveling snow from the driveway as I write this), and that I would get better looking with age. We do have beautiful children, Cammie has been able to stay at home with our beautiful children, and she does believe I am getting better looking. I was counting on Cammie's eyesight weakening for this promise and she's not far from glasses, now. Please, nobody tell her the truth or I will have to re-grow my mullet to deliver on the better-looking promise.
Ours is a love story that has turned into a family sitcom. There is still plenty of romance between us, but it takes a little more effort to fuel a romance when you are shuttling children to Taekwondo, piano lessons, and little league. Even at the wheel of a minivan, I still think she is the prettiest girl I know and I love her more today than I did in 1987 when I first noticed her. I know she feels the same way as I heard her recently tell somebody that there is nobody she would rather hang out with, nobody she would rather grow old with, and often, nobody she would rather choke out! Now, that is true love!
I wanted to write this to proclaim my love for my wife, but there is another message here, too. I joked about how I won Cammie in spite of all my imperfections, but she didn't stay with me because of my flaws or even the giant stuffed animal I bought her for Valentine's Day in 1989. I won Cammie with sheer determination, but we have grown in our marriage because we both were completely dedicated. If we had simply been dedicated to each other, that would not have been enough. We are more happily married today because we have dedicated our marriage and family to Christ and grown in Him. No matter what stage your romantic relationship is in, if both of you recognize Christ as the most important person in the relationship, you will strengthen that relationship instantly.
With that, I hope everybody has a Happy and Blessed Valentine's Day! We will be here in the blizzard trying to stay warm - I might even turn the power out myself to encourage some closeness! That would be really romantic except that we will undoubtedly have five Benefields huddled together instead of two.
Since we are snowed in just prior to Valentine's Day and the Valentine's gift might be a little limited this year (a fried spam sandwich has not been ruled out, yet), I am going to write this romantic tale as a part of this year's Valentine's package .
One time at band camp (no, really), I saw this beautiful young girl with long, long legs coming right out of her armpits. She had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen and had big 80s hair like the band Poison (not that I was ever attracted to them). I looked at her for just a second, made some decisions, and started re-ordering my future.
Having planned the rest of my life in fifteen seconds, I told the guy next to me, my buddy Walker, that I was going to marry that girl. He asked which one and I pointed to Cammie, saying, "the one with legs coming straight out of her armpits." Walker looked at me uncomfortably and said, "that is my cousin's girlfriend!"
What would have been a setback for most people was a stroke of luck for me. I said to Walker, "Well, you better tell him." And Walker did. And in a couple of weeks, the cousin was all but a memory. There was a high speed chase and resulting juvenile probation that involved this character later, but he was on his way out.
Thus began a long courtship. Though many teachers and friends tried to discourage her from associating with me at all (God rest Mary Neal's soul for her lone voice of encouragement), I persisted as Cammie resisted and her resistance weakened year by year. What began as Cammie's attraction to the mullet I was rockin' in high school grew and grew, like kudzu in a forest.
There were a few dubious characters who tried to kill the kudzu and contest this courtship, but they were all ultimately unsuccessful. In spite of promises I made to her and threats I made to my competitors, Cammie did momentarily leave her senses to break up with me in 1991. As we broke up, I just explained to her that she was making the worst mistake of her life and that she would be back. This was theater on my part as I was really crushed and could barely function, but I got my message across. And no Tim Tebow, I didn't cry (in public) and I (barely) survived until Cammie regained her sanity.
Cammie did come back to me later that year. And as the talentless, over-matched, outclassed U.S. Grant won the Civil war with overwhelming numbers, I won her hand in marriage with overwhelming love. What did I promise Cammie to seal the deal? I promised her that we would have beautiful children, that she wouldn't have to work (irony - she is shoveling snow from the driveway as I write this), and that I would get better looking with age. We do have beautiful children, Cammie has been able to stay at home with our beautiful children, and she does believe I am getting better looking. I was counting on Cammie's eyesight weakening for this promise and she's not far from glasses, now. Please, nobody tell her the truth or I will have to re-grow my mullet to deliver on the better-looking promise.
Ours is a love story that has turned into a family sitcom. There is still plenty of romance between us, but it takes a little more effort to fuel a romance when you are shuttling children to Taekwondo, piano lessons, and little league. Even at the wheel of a minivan, I still think she is the prettiest girl I know and I love her more today than I did in 1987 when I first noticed her. I know she feels the same way as I heard her recently tell somebody that there is nobody she would rather hang out with, nobody she would rather grow old with, and often, nobody she would rather choke out! Now, that is true love!
I wanted to write this to proclaim my love for my wife, but there is another message here, too. I joked about how I won Cammie in spite of all my imperfections, but she didn't stay with me because of my flaws or even the giant stuffed animal I bought her for Valentine's Day in 1989. I won Cammie with sheer determination, but we have grown in our marriage because we both were completely dedicated. If we had simply been dedicated to each other, that would not have been enough. We are more happily married today because we have dedicated our marriage and family to Christ and grown in Him. No matter what stage your romantic relationship is in, if both of you recognize Christ as the most important person in the relationship, you will strengthen that relationship instantly.
With that, I hope everybody has a Happy and Blessed Valentine's Day! We will be here in the blizzard trying to stay warm - I might even turn the power out myself to encourage some closeness! That would be really romantic except that we will undoubtedly have five Benefields huddled together instead of two.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Blizzard Survival Tips
Let's not pretend that we are living like the Ingalls from the Little House on the Prairie Series. Our preparations for winters storms are a little different.
Let me share some survival tips for the modern family. Here are some things to stockpile that will help you survive.
1. Video Games! This will keep the kids (and maybe dad) occupied for days.
2. Movies! Eventually, the kids will get blisters from the video game joysticks or mom will shut down the video games. Have movies on hand and have a couple of Lifetime specials ready for mom.
3. Hot chocolate! This is good survival food and good for morale. It also will make mom happy and keeping her from getting cabin fever is the key to your survival.
4. Batteries! You must have batteries for your radios, phones, and computers because the power company will hose you!
5. Radios, phones, and computers. You need some way to be sure you are not the only family in your state snowed in.
6. Snuggies! If the power and heat do go out, you need to have one snuggie per family member, even if you are the only family in your state snowed in.
7. Snow shovel. You need a snow shovel so you can tunnel out in case you run out of anything on this list.
8. Generator. You don't need to buy or own a generator, you just need to know which neighbor owns one so you can crash with them when the powers out - tell them you will bring your video games, hot chocolate, and snuggies with you.
9. Your Bible! You may need to remind yourself that God is not going to destroy the world with a snow storm. I had to double check this during Snowmageddon of 2010.
10. Duck-tape! For anything I failed to consider, duck-tape should fix it.
Let me share some survival tips for the modern family. Here are some things to stockpile that will help you survive.
1. Video Games! This will keep the kids (and maybe dad) occupied for days.
2. Movies! Eventually, the kids will get blisters from the video game joysticks or mom will shut down the video games. Have movies on hand and have a couple of Lifetime specials ready for mom.
3. Hot chocolate! This is good survival food and good for morale. It also will make mom happy and keeping her from getting cabin fever is the key to your survival.
4. Batteries! You must have batteries for your radios, phones, and computers because the power company will hose you!
5. Radios, phones, and computers. You need some way to be sure you are not the only family in your state snowed in.
6. Snuggies! If the power and heat do go out, you need to have one snuggie per family member, even if you are the only family in your state snowed in.
7. Snow shovel. You need a snow shovel so you can tunnel out in case you run out of anything on this list.
8. Generator. You don't need to buy or own a generator, you just need to know which neighbor owns one so you can crash with them when the powers out - tell them you will bring your video games, hot chocolate, and snuggies with you.
9. Your Bible! You may need to remind yourself that God is not going to destroy the world with a snow storm. I had to double check this during Snowmageddon of 2010.
10. Duck-tape! For anything I failed to consider, duck-tape should fix it.
Monday, February 8, 2010
A WHO DAT, Who Dunnit!
I want to capture the wildest conspiracy theory I have ever heard before it goes viral. The SUPERBOWL was rigged! That is what they are saying in some corners.
How did this happen?
It appears some believe that Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Brett Favre, and Tracy Porter was key players. You have to connect some dots.
Tracy Porter grew up in Louisiana, but went to Indiana University, where he met Peyton Manning just prior to Katrina.
Manning carried the Colts to the playoffs in 1999. Drew Brees, who also went to college in Indiana, was in the stands for that playoff game.
Manning and Favre grew up as Saints fans. They both threw game winning interceptions to Tracy Porter, who Brett allegedly met while he was retired.
Drew Brees called Brett Favre when he was retired and asked him to come back because "we can't do it without you."
Drew Brees had his Superbowl Ring before the game, 04 February, according to ESPN.
Brett made a mysterious proclamation that he was a lifelong Saints fan the week prior to the NFC Championship game - was this the signal that the fix was still on?
So, it appears the Saints had two key QBs on board for their championship run. Another interesting note is that Drew Brees son looks amazingly like Peyton Manning!
Another rumor is that the Saints are re-locating to Haiti after this season.
It is also unsubstantiated that the book of Revelations specifically mentions the Saints winning the Superbowl as a sign of the End Times.
Now, this is so clear that I don't have to spell it all out. Can you believe the Saints won the Superbowl? Isn't this crazy conspiracy easier to believe.
How did this happen?
It appears some believe that Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Brett Favre, and Tracy Porter was key players. You have to connect some dots.
Tracy Porter grew up in Louisiana, but went to Indiana University, where he met Peyton Manning just prior to Katrina.
Manning carried the Colts to the playoffs in 1999. Drew Brees, who also went to college in Indiana, was in the stands for that playoff game.
Manning and Favre grew up as Saints fans. They both threw game winning interceptions to Tracy Porter, who Brett allegedly met while he was retired.
Drew Brees called Brett Favre when he was retired and asked him to come back because "we can't do it without you."
Drew Brees had his Superbowl Ring before the game, 04 February, according to ESPN.
Brett made a mysterious proclamation that he was a lifelong Saints fan the week prior to the NFC Championship game - was this the signal that the fix was still on?
So, it appears the Saints had two key QBs on board for their championship run. Another interesting note is that Drew Brees son looks amazingly like Peyton Manning!
Another rumor is that the Saints are re-locating to Haiti after this season.
It is also unsubstantiated that the book of Revelations specifically mentions the Saints winning the Superbowl as a sign of the End Times.
Now, this is so clear that I don't have to spell it all out. Can you believe the Saints won the Superbowl? Isn't this crazy conspiracy easier to believe.
Prayer-a-troopers (as I presented it at Leesville United Methodist in 2001)
Background
•God has given me a special talent for making people want to fight. I want you to leave here ready to fight - not to beat me up, but to fight the spiritual battle Christians are currently engaged in.
•I also want to share a model for our fight with you
The OPFOR.
•I served four years with the 509th Parachute Infantry Battalion.
•They serve as the Joint Readiness Training Center Opposing Force, also known as the Red Force
•Every Month, they deploy to the imaginary island of Aragon, where they fight against a brigade from the US Army, the Blue Force, that “invades” their home country of Cortina.
•The Geronimos, the soldiers of the RED FORCE, are all PARATROOPERS , elite soldiers who have volunteered for the hazardous duty of parachuting into enemy held territory to take key terrain and defeat key enemy units.
•Paratroopers are typically tougher, faster, stronger, more motivated, and more lethal than other soldiers.
•The Red Force Geronimos live up to that reputation. They love to fight the Blue Force and have absolutely no fear of the Blue Force.
•The Red Force are usually outnumbered ten to one, face a technologically superior enemy, and are encumbered with several other unique constraints, but they use their tenets of Field Craft, Decentralized Operations, Marksmanship, and Battle Drills to achieve decisive victories every month.
•Each Red Force soldier knows his commander’s intent and is able to achieve that without any additional information.
•They are a highly motivated force that does not tolerate soldiers who are not. They are, in my opinion, the Army’s best.
The BLUFOR.
•There is a different brigade every month that fight against the Red Force as the Blue force.
•The Blue Force hates coming to JRTC and facing the Red Force.
•They know what is going to happen – they are doomed to be miserable and unsuccessful.
•The only time they achieve any victory is when the Red Force allows them to.
•The Blufor have some problems with their motivation.
The Difference.
•All of the soldiers from the Blue Force and the Red Force are from the same Army, but there is a tremendous difference between the two.
•The Red Force are confident they can achieve victory if they have one surviving soldier on the battlefield – as long as that soldier can still communicate with his higher headquarters.
•Observers and Blue Force alike constantly remark on the Red Force’s tendency to march to the guns and kill their enemy.
•If they hear a comrade under fire, they rush to his aid and overwhelm their foe.
•They depend on this to achieve victory because they are outnumbered.
•The Blue Force, generally measures success by simply surviving the exercise - failing to realize that their best chance to survive is to defeat the Red Force.
Our War.
Fellow Christians, we are at war and have been long before September 11. Here is an update.
Enemy Situation.
•The enemy has invaded the traditional Christian stronghold of America and is waging an all out assault. His agents are using direct action and subversion to fight this war.
•The enemy knows our every move, and will not be surprised.
•He is capable of anything if left unchallenged.
•From some captured documents, here is the enemy course of action in his own words -
I want to gain control of the most powerful nation in the world and delude the people’s minds into thinking that their prosperity came from man's effort, instead of divine blessing;
I will subvert the churches first beginning with a campaign of whispers. With the wisdom of a serpent I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve: "Do as you please."
To the youth I would whisper, "The Bible is a myth."
I will dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are optional.
I will attack the traditional family and make divorce acceptable, easy, and even fashionable.
I will promote an attitude of loving things and using people, instead of the other way around.
I will persuade people that God is irrelevant and out of date, and that morals are for the naïve.
I would convince them that man made God instead of the other way around and convince people that government can take the place of the church.
I will teach all to look to government instead of God for answers.
I will dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their state revenue.
I will convince people that character is not an issue when it comes to leadership.
And then I will organize; I will come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the young, and I will get sports heroes to advertise them.
I will peddle narcotics to whom I can; sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction; I will tranquilize the rest with pills.
I will have families at war with themselves, churches at war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves; until each in its turn is consumed.
With promises of higher ratings I will have media fanning the flames.
I will take God and His ethics out of the schools, where even the mention of them is grounds for a lawsuit.
I will encourage schools to refine young intellects but neglect to discipline emotions: let those run wild. Within a decade prisons will be overflowing.
I'd designate an atheist to front for me before the highest courts and I'd get the preachers to say, "She's right." Thus, I could evict God from the courthouse, then from the schoolhouse, and then from the Houses of Congress.
And in His own churches I will substitute psychology for religion and deify science.
I will make the symbol of Easter an egg and the symbol of Christmas a bottle.
I will take from those who have earned and give it to those who want it, until I kill the incentive of the ambitious.
I will warn against extremes: in hard work, in patriotism, and in moral conduct. (I remember that this country, this Christian stronghold, was founded by extremists, who risked everything to secure freedom for future generations.)
I will make it socially acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it convenient.
I will cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more that human beings.
I will get control of the media, so that every night I can numb the minds of millions. People will read my words in newspapers every day but hardly ever read God’s word in the Bible.
I will compel people to express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and I will call it art.
I will convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few of my agents calling themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as "politically correct,” just as I did in Nazi Germany where the term was “socially correct”.
Friendly Situation.
•There are a lot of friendly forces that refuse to continue the fight or are no longer capable of continuing.
Towns and states that choose to display the Ten Commandments are being hauled to court.
The Boy Scouts are under assault because their traditional view of moral conduct is not “tolerant” enough for the politically correct.
Those who choose to display our national motto of, “In God We Trust” are being threatened by those who twist the words of our Constitution.
Christians are being denied the right to pray at school, at football games, at graduation ceremonies, or on public property. We are losing Christian strongholds across the country.
The situation is critical - it is time to march to the sound of the guns.
•Technically, Christians are outnumbered, but as Ovid said, “We two form a multitude.” Ovid did not know Jesus, so he did not know the full truth of that statement.
•Some Christians are still scared to join the fight, but God tells us in the Bible 365 times, one time for each day of the year, Do not be afraid.
•Higher Headquarters has directed First United Methodist Church of Leesville recommit to this fight immediately.
Mission
Defeat the enemy on the spiritual front and maintain the United States of America as a Christian stronghold.
Concept
We are called to form our own Red Force
Red for the Red Royal Blood of Jesus
•During a tactical airborne operation, paratroopers fill a C130 airplane as they prepare to go into battle
•This morning, our church is the C-130 – a “JC-130” and all of you who are willing to perform hazardous duty are “prayer – a – troopers” for Jesus Christ
•The Red Force is outnumbered, so at every opportunity we must train our force to use our primary Field Manual and like the JRTC Red Force use our tenets to achieve victory –
-Field Craft – how to survive in the world without becoming worldly
-Decentralized Operations – so you know what to do when you are the only Prayer-a-trooper in your area of operations
-Marksmanship –witness effectively and bring others onto the team
-Battle Drills – learn what the Devil is trying to do and how you can maneuver to defeat him.
-We must have our mission essential equipment
-Instead of a parachute, we will have faith
-Instead of a physical weapon, God has armed us with his strength.
-Just like an actual tactical mission, we have troopers of all different experience on board this aircraft this morning.
--Novice troopers who are new in their faith and maybe a little nervous about what this duty requires of them
--Senior rated troopers who have done this before and know how to prepare themselves for a successful mission.
--There are a few master rated prayer a troopers who have been on many missions before, they’ve seen it all, and know exactly how to use their equipment to defeat the evil one.
-The Army has paratroopers wear badges that identify what level of expertise we possess.
-Jesus does not have us wear badges, but he expects us to carry ourselves in a way that others can tell that we are advanced Prayer-a-troopers.
-Senior and master rated troopers are responsible to look out for the novice troopers. Make sure they are ready for the mission.
-During any airborne operation, there is an airborne commander and a jumpmaster team who are responsible for ensuring that all jumpers leave the aircraft safely and ready to accomplish their mission.
-That team is composed of one primary jumpmaster, sometimes an assistant jumpmaster, and at least one safety.
-Jesus is the Prayer-borne commander.
-This morning I am your primary jumpmaster
-Church Leaders, you will be the safeties.
-During an actual mission, any jumper who needs assistance waves his hand in the air to get the safety’s attention. The same rule applies today.
-I have been talking with the Airborne Commander – the mission is a go
•There are seven jump commands. Take all of your jump commands from the primary jumpmaster.
•Your first jump command
-GET READY –
--During a tactical operation, troopers free themselves of their seat belts when given this command.
--Today, we all need to free ourselves of anything that may restrain us in service to Jesus.
-STAND UP
--Paratroopers are free of their restraints at this point. They stand up and prepare to follow their leaders out of the aircraft. It is at this point troopers get their blood pumping for the mission.
--We as Prayer-a-troopers need to be bold and stand up for Jesus. We need to follow our Christian Leaders. Let us show the same kind of courage spiritually that many of our fellow Americans have already shown physically in the course of our conflict with the Evil one.
--If a trooper won’t stand up, obviously he will not accomplish his mission - he is a jump refusal and is of no value to the cause.
-HOOK UP
--Upon this command, PARA-troopers secure themselves to the “anchor-line” cable by their static lines – this is what deploys their main parachute and delivers them to the field of battle.
--We need to secure ourselves in our faith so that we are ready to leave this church – our JC-130 – safely and ready to do battle. We can secure ourselves in the knowledge that Jesus died for us and is ready for us to join his red force.
--John 3:16: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
--That is a pretty firm anchor.
-CHECK STATIC LINES
--Upon this command, each PARA-trooper traces his static line from point of attachment all the way to their parachute and they assume a tight grip of the static line
--Then every jumper checks the jumper in front of him
--Then the safeties check every jumper the same way and hook up any jumper who did not initially hook up correctly –every jumper is checked three times. This is necessary because the cost of improper hook up is extremely high.
--Before you leave our JC-130 today, ensure that you are secure in your faith - the price of not being secure in your faith is even higher.
--Troopers, if you know that one of your fellow Prayer-a-troopers is not secure, let him know before he exits and help him hook up properly.
--Safeties, Church Leaders, check these troopers and ensure they are ready to leave the aircraft.
--CHECK EQUIPMENT
--At this command, each paratrooper checks his rig to ensure that each piece of equipment he needs to accomplish his mission is secured to him for a safe ride to the ground and will be available to him when he hits the ground.
--Each trooper is responsible for this check individually.
--Fellow Christians, are you leaving this JC-130 today with all the equipment you need to accomplish the mission Jesus has for you. This is your responsibility – perform the check.
--SOUND OFF FOR EQUIPMENT CHECK
--At this point, all of the PARA – troopers acknowledge that they are ready to exit. In a C-130, the last jumper would initiate the response by slapping the jumper in front of him on the fourth point of contact and sounding off with a thunderous “OK!”
--When the first jumper receives the tap, he looks his jumpmaster in the eye and says, “All OK, JUMPMASTER!”
--On the JC-130, if you are ready to exit and start doing battle, just say AMEN!
-GO
--When the green jump light turns on, PARA-troopers receive the last jump command, “GO.”
--At this point, all checks are complete and the troopers are leaving, ready or not. Staying on board the aircraft is not an option.
--As they exit the aircraft, the world outside greets them with a tremendous amount of turbulence. The most dangerous part of most airborne operations is when a jumper first exits the aircraft.
--As you leave the quiet confines of our JC-130 today, you will encounter turbulence. If things start to go wrong, fall back on your training as a “Prayer-a-trooper” to see you through.
--Mark 16:15
-Jesus said to his eleven disciples, “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.”- He had only eleven, because, Judas had already been a jump refusal.
Coordinating Instructions
•The most important part of your mission begins when you leave this aircraft.
•If you see fellow troopers on the drop zone, give them encouragement. RO 1:11 I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong-- 12 that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith.
•If you are injured on the drop zone and unable to continue, there will be no medics, but if you call on Jesus, he can restore you to duty instantly.
•Maintain constant communications with higher.
•Report back here for sustained, Prayer-a-trooper training, at least once a week.
•As you leave the aircraft today, make eye to eye contact with the safety, Brother Chris, when you leave the door.
Scripture
Psalms 18
32: It is God Who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
33: He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.
34: He trains my hands for battle: my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35: You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me:
36: you broaden the path beneath me; so that my ankles do not turn.
37: I pursued my enemies and overtook them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
38: I crushed them so that they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet.
39: You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
40: You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes.
41: They cried for help, but there was no one to save them - to the Lord, but he did not answer.
42: I beat them as fine dust borne on the wind; I poured them out like mud in the streets.
Ephesians 6
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
2 Timothy
1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
•God has given me a special talent for making people want to fight. I want you to leave here ready to fight - not to beat me up, but to fight the spiritual battle Christians are currently engaged in.
•I also want to share a model for our fight with you
The OPFOR.
•I served four years with the 509th Parachute Infantry Battalion.
•They serve as the Joint Readiness Training Center Opposing Force, also known as the Red Force
•Every Month, they deploy to the imaginary island of Aragon, where they fight against a brigade from the US Army, the Blue Force, that “invades” their home country of Cortina.
•The Geronimos, the soldiers of the RED FORCE, are all PARATROOPERS , elite soldiers who have volunteered for the hazardous duty of parachuting into enemy held territory to take key terrain and defeat key enemy units.
•Paratroopers are typically tougher, faster, stronger, more motivated, and more lethal than other soldiers.
•The Red Force Geronimos live up to that reputation. They love to fight the Blue Force and have absolutely no fear of the Blue Force.
•The Red Force are usually outnumbered ten to one, face a technologically superior enemy, and are encumbered with several other unique constraints, but they use their tenets of Field Craft, Decentralized Operations, Marksmanship, and Battle Drills to achieve decisive victories every month.
•Each Red Force soldier knows his commander’s intent and is able to achieve that without any additional information.
•They are a highly motivated force that does not tolerate soldiers who are not. They are, in my opinion, the Army’s best.
The BLUFOR.
•There is a different brigade every month that fight against the Red Force as the Blue force.
•The Blue Force hates coming to JRTC and facing the Red Force.
•They know what is going to happen – they are doomed to be miserable and unsuccessful.
•The only time they achieve any victory is when the Red Force allows them to.
•The Blufor have some problems with their motivation.
The Difference.
•All of the soldiers from the Blue Force and the Red Force are from the same Army, but there is a tremendous difference between the two.
•The Red Force are confident they can achieve victory if they have one surviving soldier on the battlefield – as long as that soldier can still communicate with his higher headquarters.
•Observers and Blue Force alike constantly remark on the Red Force’s tendency to march to the guns and kill their enemy.
•If they hear a comrade under fire, they rush to his aid and overwhelm their foe.
•They depend on this to achieve victory because they are outnumbered.
•The Blue Force, generally measures success by simply surviving the exercise - failing to realize that their best chance to survive is to defeat the Red Force.
Our War.
Fellow Christians, we are at war and have been long before September 11. Here is an update.
Enemy Situation.
•The enemy has invaded the traditional Christian stronghold of America and is waging an all out assault. His agents are using direct action and subversion to fight this war.
•The enemy knows our every move, and will not be surprised.
•He is capable of anything if left unchallenged.
•From some captured documents, here is the enemy course of action in his own words -
I want to gain control of the most powerful nation in the world and delude the people’s minds into thinking that their prosperity came from man's effort, instead of divine blessing;
I will subvert the churches first beginning with a campaign of whispers. With the wisdom of a serpent I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve: "Do as you please."
To the youth I would whisper, "The Bible is a myth."
I will dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are optional.
I will attack the traditional family and make divorce acceptable, easy, and even fashionable.
I will promote an attitude of loving things and using people, instead of the other way around.
I will persuade people that God is irrelevant and out of date, and that morals are for the naïve.
I would convince them that man made God instead of the other way around and convince people that government can take the place of the church.
I will teach all to look to government instead of God for answers.
I will dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their state revenue.
I will convince people that character is not an issue when it comes to leadership.
And then I will organize; I will come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the young, and I will get sports heroes to advertise them.
I will peddle narcotics to whom I can; sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction; I will tranquilize the rest with pills.
I will have families at war with themselves, churches at war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves; until each in its turn is consumed.
With promises of higher ratings I will have media fanning the flames.
I will take God and His ethics out of the schools, where even the mention of them is grounds for a lawsuit.
I will encourage schools to refine young intellects but neglect to discipline emotions: let those run wild. Within a decade prisons will be overflowing.
I'd designate an atheist to front for me before the highest courts and I'd get the preachers to say, "She's right." Thus, I could evict God from the courthouse, then from the schoolhouse, and then from the Houses of Congress.
And in His own churches I will substitute psychology for religion and deify science.
I will make the symbol of Easter an egg and the symbol of Christmas a bottle.
I will take from those who have earned and give it to those who want it, until I kill the incentive of the ambitious.
I will warn against extremes: in hard work, in patriotism, and in moral conduct. (I remember that this country, this Christian stronghold, was founded by extremists, who risked everything to secure freedom for future generations.)
I will make it socially acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it convenient.
I will cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more that human beings.
I will get control of the media, so that every night I can numb the minds of millions. People will read my words in newspapers every day but hardly ever read God’s word in the Bible.
I will compel people to express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and I will call it art.
I will convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few of my agents calling themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as "politically correct,” just as I did in Nazi Germany where the term was “socially correct”.
Friendly Situation.
•There are a lot of friendly forces that refuse to continue the fight or are no longer capable of continuing.
Towns and states that choose to display the Ten Commandments are being hauled to court.
The Boy Scouts are under assault because their traditional view of moral conduct is not “tolerant” enough for the politically correct.
Those who choose to display our national motto of, “In God We Trust” are being threatened by those who twist the words of our Constitution.
Christians are being denied the right to pray at school, at football games, at graduation ceremonies, or on public property. We are losing Christian strongholds across the country.
The situation is critical - it is time to march to the sound of the guns.
•Technically, Christians are outnumbered, but as Ovid said, “We two form a multitude.” Ovid did not know Jesus, so he did not know the full truth of that statement.
•Some Christians are still scared to join the fight, but God tells us in the Bible 365 times, one time for each day of the year, Do not be afraid.
•Higher Headquarters has directed First United Methodist Church of Leesville recommit to this fight immediately.
Mission
Defeat the enemy on the spiritual front and maintain the United States of America as a Christian stronghold.
Concept
We are called to form our own Red Force
Red for the Red Royal Blood of Jesus
•During a tactical airborne operation, paratroopers fill a C130 airplane as they prepare to go into battle
•This morning, our church is the C-130 – a “JC-130” and all of you who are willing to perform hazardous duty are “prayer – a – troopers” for Jesus Christ
•The Red Force is outnumbered, so at every opportunity we must train our force to use our primary Field Manual and like the JRTC Red Force use our tenets to achieve victory –
-Field Craft – how to survive in the world without becoming worldly
-Decentralized Operations – so you know what to do when you are the only Prayer-a-trooper in your area of operations
-Marksmanship –witness effectively and bring others onto the team
-Battle Drills – learn what the Devil is trying to do and how you can maneuver to defeat him.
-We must have our mission essential equipment
-Instead of a parachute, we will have faith
-Instead of a physical weapon, God has armed us with his strength.
-Just like an actual tactical mission, we have troopers of all different experience on board this aircraft this morning.
--Novice troopers who are new in their faith and maybe a little nervous about what this duty requires of them
--Senior rated troopers who have done this before and know how to prepare themselves for a successful mission.
--There are a few master rated prayer a troopers who have been on many missions before, they’ve seen it all, and know exactly how to use their equipment to defeat the evil one.
-The Army has paratroopers wear badges that identify what level of expertise we possess.
-Jesus does not have us wear badges, but he expects us to carry ourselves in a way that others can tell that we are advanced Prayer-a-troopers.
-Senior and master rated troopers are responsible to look out for the novice troopers. Make sure they are ready for the mission.
-During any airborne operation, there is an airborne commander and a jumpmaster team who are responsible for ensuring that all jumpers leave the aircraft safely and ready to accomplish their mission.
-That team is composed of one primary jumpmaster, sometimes an assistant jumpmaster, and at least one safety.
-Jesus is the Prayer-borne commander.
-This morning I am your primary jumpmaster
-Church Leaders, you will be the safeties.
-During an actual mission, any jumper who needs assistance waves his hand in the air to get the safety’s attention. The same rule applies today.
-I have been talking with the Airborne Commander – the mission is a go
•There are seven jump commands. Take all of your jump commands from the primary jumpmaster.
•Your first jump command
-GET READY –
--During a tactical operation, troopers free themselves of their seat belts when given this command.
--Today, we all need to free ourselves of anything that may restrain us in service to Jesus.
-STAND UP
--Paratroopers are free of their restraints at this point. They stand up and prepare to follow their leaders out of the aircraft. It is at this point troopers get their blood pumping for the mission.
--We as Prayer-a-troopers need to be bold and stand up for Jesus. We need to follow our Christian Leaders. Let us show the same kind of courage spiritually that many of our fellow Americans have already shown physically in the course of our conflict with the Evil one.
--If a trooper won’t stand up, obviously he will not accomplish his mission - he is a jump refusal and is of no value to the cause.
-HOOK UP
--Upon this command, PARA-troopers secure themselves to the “anchor-line” cable by their static lines – this is what deploys their main parachute and delivers them to the field of battle.
--We need to secure ourselves in our faith so that we are ready to leave this church – our JC-130 – safely and ready to do battle. We can secure ourselves in the knowledge that Jesus died for us and is ready for us to join his red force.
--John 3:16: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
--That is a pretty firm anchor.
-CHECK STATIC LINES
--Upon this command, each PARA-trooper traces his static line from point of attachment all the way to their parachute and they assume a tight grip of the static line
--Then every jumper checks the jumper in front of him
--Then the safeties check every jumper the same way and hook up any jumper who did not initially hook up correctly –every jumper is checked three times. This is necessary because the cost of improper hook up is extremely high.
--Before you leave our JC-130 today, ensure that you are secure in your faith - the price of not being secure in your faith is even higher.
--Troopers, if you know that one of your fellow Prayer-a-troopers is not secure, let him know before he exits and help him hook up properly.
--Safeties, Church Leaders, check these troopers and ensure they are ready to leave the aircraft.
--CHECK EQUIPMENT
--At this command, each paratrooper checks his rig to ensure that each piece of equipment he needs to accomplish his mission is secured to him for a safe ride to the ground and will be available to him when he hits the ground.
--Each trooper is responsible for this check individually.
--Fellow Christians, are you leaving this JC-130 today with all the equipment you need to accomplish the mission Jesus has for you. This is your responsibility – perform the check.
--SOUND OFF FOR EQUIPMENT CHECK
--At this point, all of the PARA – troopers acknowledge that they are ready to exit. In a C-130, the last jumper would initiate the response by slapping the jumper in front of him on the fourth point of contact and sounding off with a thunderous “OK!”
--When the first jumper receives the tap, he looks his jumpmaster in the eye and says, “All OK, JUMPMASTER!”
--On the JC-130, if you are ready to exit and start doing battle, just say AMEN!
-GO
--When the green jump light turns on, PARA-troopers receive the last jump command, “GO.”
--At this point, all checks are complete and the troopers are leaving, ready or not. Staying on board the aircraft is not an option.
--As they exit the aircraft, the world outside greets them with a tremendous amount of turbulence. The most dangerous part of most airborne operations is when a jumper first exits the aircraft.
--As you leave the quiet confines of our JC-130 today, you will encounter turbulence. If things start to go wrong, fall back on your training as a “Prayer-a-trooper” to see you through.
--Mark 16:15
-Jesus said to his eleven disciples, “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.”- He had only eleven, because, Judas had already been a jump refusal.
Coordinating Instructions
•The most important part of your mission begins when you leave this aircraft.
•If you see fellow troopers on the drop zone, give them encouragement. RO 1:11 I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong-- 12 that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith.
•If you are injured on the drop zone and unable to continue, there will be no medics, but if you call on Jesus, he can restore you to duty instantly.
•Maintain constant communications with higher.
•Report back here for sustained, Prayer-a-trooper training, at least once a week.
•As you leave the aircraft today, make eye to eye contact with the safety, Brother Chris, when you leave the door.
Scripture
Psalms 18
32: It is God Who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
33: He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.
34: He trains my hands for battle: my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35: You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me:
36: you broaden the path beneath me; so that my ankles do not turn.
37: I pursued my enemies and overtook them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
38: I crushed them so that they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet.
39: You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
40: You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes.
41: They cried for help, but there was no one to save them - to the Lord, but he did not answer.
42: I beat them as fine dust borne on the wind; I poured them out like mud in the streets.
Ephesians 6
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
2 Timothy
1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Before He Ran for Sheriff
You want the dirt on AJ Benefield, well here it is. I have known him since he was born and I have just a few stories I think you will enjoy.
First, I recognize there are two sides to every story, but I feel no obligation to tell both sides. This is a big brother's view of growing up with AJ (BUB for most of those years) Benefield. I am reliving a number of these stories because I have two sons who are just like us. Jay Allen has my personality and James has AJ's. I am never far from my childhood adventures because of that.
Going back to the early days, AJ and I got along really well, especially when he did what I told him. We didn't ever fight in anger that I remember, but we still managed to incur several scars and broken bones from our upbringing.
Growing up, our parents carried AJ and me to the creek every now and then. We both enjoyed going, but I enjoyed swimming around in the water and AJ enjoyed throwing rocks into the water. This seems like a good mix since AJ was a little younger and probably shouldn't be in the water by himself, but AJ failed to refrain from throwing rocks in the water while I was in there. To this day, I remember raising up and seeing AJ in the final stance of a throwing motion and wondering where the rock went when, "WHAPP!" The next thing I saw was my ten toes gaining altitude as my head rocketed backwards just a little slower than the stone that had hit it. That was the first time I remember being knocked out, though it was only for a second because the ice cold creek water instantly revived me. I raised up staggered and put my hand to my head and found that my forehead and nose were bleeding like a horror show slasher had carved his initials on me. I know AJ is not proud of almost killing me, but it was a good throw. I still have the scars from that rock on the bridge of my nose and the top of my forehead. They are listed as distinctive scars in my medical records, even. And that nonsense about me holding him under water before this happened is just a cover - don't believe it.
Though I honestly don't remember holding AJ underwater as mentioned above, I do admit to chunking a sharpened piece of bamboo across the yard and accidently pinning him to the ground by his elbow. You can judge for yourself if that accidental spearing or some other small trauma from childhood motivated AJ to seek payback on his older brother.
One of the most short lived periods of our childhood was the time we owned a go-cart. When AJ and I were nine and thirteen, my dad bought us a go-cart. We unloaded it from the truck and cranked it up and decided AJ would ride it first by himself. It did have two seats, but since it was technically his, this seemed fair and appropriate. He started out OK, but kept gaining speed and making tight left hand turns in the yard when we lived beside Pine Grove Church. On the third lap, he was yelling, "I CAN'T STOOOOOOOOOP!" with full Doppler effect. The accelerator spring came off while we were unloading the go-cart and he was stuck on this Winston Cup wannabe going wide open in slick grass that kept the brake from working. My dad and I ran behind the go-cart like two dogs chasing a car and kept trying to disconnect the spark plug to stop him. This go-cart was too fast to catch on the straight of way, so we had to run into the turns and lunge at the spark plug wire. I can't remember which of us got him stopped, but I remember the spark plug shocked me so badly that I said some words that I didn't know the meaning of until I joined the Army. AJ says I tampered with the accelerator on purpose, but I have my suspicions that there was really nothing wrong with it - he just wanted to see how fast my dad and I could run.
Despite the rough start, AJ and I loved that go-cart. We got that thing tuned up and waited beside the church for Mr. Weathers to come home from work in his pick-up. Mr. Weathers never drove very fast, so we thought we should race him. We jumped into the (wrong side of the) road and raced him to the corner where the Ledbetters live. We were doing great until our dad came around the corner and saw us tearing down wrong side of the road together in that thing. That was AJ's first high speed chase and our last ride on that go-cart. In true Benefield fashion, we painted it and gave it to one of our cousins as if it were new (hope that doesn't crush you, Darryl).
I've already shared my first broken nose experience with you, but the second was much simpler. AJ was trying to make me blink by acting like he was going to hit me. I was not blinking and actually stepped toward him to call his bluff. Unfortunately, when I stepped forward, he didn't adjust his range and landed a solid jab right on the end of my nose. To his horror, I did not blink when he landed this punch, either. I stared at him with the look of, "Is there any doubt you are about to get a whuppin'?" I remember the wide eyed look on AJ's face and then the super human yell that he let loose next, saying, "MOMMMMMMMAAAAA!" Our momma dutifully rushed in to save the baby of the family and my eyes did eventually start to water as again, AJ had broken my nose. This time resulted in the hump that is now visible right in the middle of my nose.
I have to admit that AJ did suffer some broken bones growing up, too. Neither one of us are going to come out looking like a rose from this next story, but we are grown Christian men now who look back on that part of our lives as the time we were, "building our testimony." AJ made some comments about my intentions toward a particular young lady that I found to be inappropriate and inaccurate(the comments were actually pretty innocent remarks about kissing if I remember correctly). I would share her name with you for accuracy's sake, but I am pretty sure she is one of my Facebook friends and is happily married, now. Sorry that my description doesn't exclude more of you, but that is sort of the idea. After the offensive remarks, I charged AJ and threw him to the ground. He got up, retracted his comments, and appeared to be fine. Two days later, his arm was purple and swollen. I finally agreed to let him go tell our parents that his arm was hurting, but not before we cooked up a cover story as to how it happened. Our cover story really wasn't that good and my parents really didn't buy it, but I got off fairly light. Not as light as AJ did for my two broken noses (NO PUNISHMENT), but light enough that I don't remember the punishment.
This last story intersects with my adult life and is classic AJ. Many of you have seen reference to it, but don't know the full context. While I was in college, Cammie and I were at my parents' house and having probably the worst fight in the history of our relationship (which was pretty minor by fight standards). Cammie was as mad with me as she had ever been, but not so mad that she didn't try to act civil when AJ walked in. He had no idea we had been fighting and cruised into the kitchen exchanging quick greetings with us. He yelled from the kitchen to ask if we would like some Eggnog. He got a curt, "NO," from me, but Cammie said she would like a glass. He brought her a glass, but it wasn't Eggnog, it was buttermilk. Cammie turned up that buttermilk and wrinkled her face up and then SHE said some words I didn't know the meaning of until I joined the Army. She mumbled more words I can't post, started crying, and walked out and slammed the door. No kidding, AJ looked at and said, "GOLLLEEE! I didn't know she'd get that mad." I should have let him think that was all on him, but I confessed to the fight and let him off the hook.
Those are just a few of the highlights fit to be printed from our youth. We only had three channels on television, but with AJ as my brother, the best entertainment was never on television anyway.
First, I recognize there are two sides to every story, but I feel no obligation to tell both sides. This is a big brother's view of growing up with AJ (BUB for most of those years) Benefield. I am reliving a number of these stories because I have two sons who are just like us. Jay Allen has my personality and James has AJ's. I am never far from my childhood adventures because of that.
Going back to the early days, AJ and I got along really well, especially when he did what I told him. We didn't ever fight in anger that I remember, but we still managed to incur several scars and broken bones from our upbringing.
Growing up, our parents carried AJ and me to the creek every now and then. We both enjoyed going, but I enjoyed swimming around in the water and AJ enjoyed throwing rocks into the water. This seems like a good mix since AJ was a little younger and probably shouldn't be in the water by himself, but AJ failed to refrain from throwing rocks in the water while I was in there. To this day, I remember raising up and seeing AJ in the final stance of a throwing motion and wondering where the rock went when, "WHAPP!" The next thing I saw was my ten toes gaining altitude as my head rocketed backwards just a little slower than the stone that had hit it. That was the first time I remember being knocked out, though it was only for a second because the ice cold creek water instantly revived me. I raised up staggered and put my hand to my head and found that my forehead and nose were bleeding like a horror show slasher had carved his initials on me. I know AJ is not proud of almost killing me, but it was a good throw. I still have the scars from that rock on the bridge of my nose and the top of my forehead. They are listed as distinctive scars in my medical records, even. And that nonsense about me holding him under water before this happened is just a cover - don't believe it.
Though I honestly don't remember holding AJ underwater as mentioned above, I do admit to chunking a sharpened piece of bamboo across the yard and accidently pinning him to the ground by his elbow. You can judge for yourself if that accidental spearing or some other small trauma from childhood motivated AJ to seek payback on his older brother.
One of the most short lived periods of our childhood was the time we owned a go-cart. When AJ and I were nine and thirteen, my dad bought us a go-cart. We unloaded it from the truck and cranked it up and decided AJ would ride it first by himself. It did have two seats, but since it was technically his, this seemed fair and appropriate. He started out OK, but kept gaining speed and making tight left hand turns in the yard when we lived beside Pine Grove Church. On the third lap, he was yelling, "I CAN'T STOOOOOOOOOP!" with full Doppler effect. The accelerator spring came off while we were unloading the go-cart and he was stuck on this Winston Cup wannabe going wide open in slick grass that kept the brake from working. My dad and I ran behind the go-cart like two dogs chasing a car and kept trying to disconnect the spark plug to stop him. This go-cart was too fast to catch on the straight of way, so we had to run into the turns and lunge at the spark plug wire. I can't remember which of us got him stopped, but I remember the spark plug shocked me so badly that I said some words that I didn't know the meaning of until I joined the Army. AJ says I tampered with the accelerator on purpose, but I have my suspicions that there was really nothing wrong with it - he just wanted to see how fast my dad and I could run.
Despite the rough start, AJ and I loved that go-cart. We got that thing tuned up and waited beside the church for Mr. Weathers to come home from work in his pick-up. Mr. Weathers never drove very fast, so we thought we should race him. We jumped into the (wrong side of the) road and raced him to the corner where the Ledbetters live. We were doing great until our dad came around the corner and saw us tearing down wrong side of the road together in that thing. That was AJ's first high speed chase and our last ride on that go-cart. In true Benefield fashion, we painted it and gave it to one of our cousins as if it were new (hope that doesn't crush you, Darryl).
I've already shared my first broken nose experience with you, but the second was much simpler. AJ was trying to make me blink by acting like he was going to hit me. I was not blinking and actually stepped toward him to call his bluff. Unfortunately, when I stepped forward, he didn't adjust his range and landed a solid jab right on the end of my nose. To his horror, I did not blink when he landed this punch, either. I stared at him with the look of, "Is there any doubt you are about to get a whuppin'?" I remember the wide eyed look on AJ's face and then the super human yell that he let loose next, saying, "MOMMMMMMMAAAAA!" Our momma dutifully rushed in to save the baby of the family and my eyes did eventually start to water as again, AJ had broken my nose. This time resulted in the hump that is now visible right in the middle of my nose.
I have to admit that AJ did suffer some broken bones growing up, too. Neither one of us are going to come out looking like a rose from this next story, but we are grown Christian men now who look back on that part of our lives as the time we were, "building our testimony." AJ made some comments about my intentions toward a particular young lady that I found to be inappropriate and inaccurate(the comments were actually pretty innocent remarks about kissing if I remember correctly). I would share her name with you for accuracy's sake, but I am pretty sure she is one of my Facebook friends and is happily married, now. Sorry that my description doesn't exclude more of you, but that is sort of the idea. After the offensive remarks, I charged AJ and threw him to the ground. He got up, retracted his comments, and appeared to be fine. Two days later, his arm was purple and swollen. I finally agreed to let him go tell our parents that his arm was hurting, but not before we cooked up a cover story as to how it happened. Our cover story really wasn't that good and my parents really didn't buy it, but I got off fairly light. Not as light as AJ did for my two broken noses (NO PUNISHMENT), but light enough that I don't remember the punishment.
This last story intersects with my adult life and is classic AJ. Many of you have seen reference to it, but don't know the full context. While I was in college, Cammie and I were at my parents' house and having probably the worst fight in the history of our relationship (which was pretty minor by fight standards). Cammie was as mad with me as she had ever been, but not so mad that she didn't try to act civil when AJ walked in. He had no idea we had been fighting and cruised into the kitchen exchanging quick greetings with us. He yelled from the kitchen to ask if we would like some Eggnog. He got a curt, "NO," from me, but Cammie said she would like a glass. He brought her a glass, but it wasn't Eggnog, it was buttermilk. Cammie turned up that buttermilk and wrinkled her face up and then SHE said some words I didn't know the meaning of until I joined the Army. She mumbled more words I can't post, started crying, and walked out and slammed the door. No kidding, AJ looked at and said, "GOLLLEEE! I didn't know she'd get that mad." I should have let him think that was all on him, but I confessed to the fight and let him off the hook.
Those are just a few of the highlights fit to be printed from our youth. We only had three channels on television, but with AJ as my brother, the best entertainment was never on television anyway.
Friday, January 8, 2010
When can guys shed tears in public
It's not manly to cry. If it were, then there would be lots of film footage of John Wayne, Bear Bryant, or Tom Landry crying. It is acceptable for men to shed tears in public in some circumstances, but an emotional outburst of crying is no better than a temper tantrum and is just not acceptable. I thought after all the debate about Tim Tebow's PDAT (public display of alligator tears), that somebody should differentiate acceptable male tear shedding from unmanly crying. I know crying is not the worst thing a person can do and I have had my share of public temper tantrums, so this is not pious judgment of anybody who has broken these rules, but it is an attempt to have a little fun while reinforcing the notion that men should be manly and should make every effort to show self-control.
Ten occasions when men can shed tears:
1. The passing of a loved one or fallen comrade
2. When you share the pain of a friend
3. Farewell to your band of brothers (your military unit or team mates on a sports team)
4. The birth of your children or grandchildren
5. A significant event in the life of your children (such as acceptance of Christ, baptism, marriage or acceptance into the University of Alabama - tears of pride are acceptable )
6. A promotion, award, or other such honor that is truly humbling because of all the nice things said about you (whether your dad is in prison or not)
7. One of your children enrolls in college at Auburn (or Florida or maybe even the University of Georgia if you are an LSU fan - disappointment and despair can hardly be contained in this case)
8. Your parachute opens in a manner that is going to cause you to sing soprano
9. Public viewing of Old Yeller (of course this is inclusive of the passing of your dog, which the movie doubtless reminds you of)
10. Somebody crashes into your car (the one the man drives, not the minivan) that you either just bought or have owned more than 15 years
The list of ten acceptable tear shedding occasions covers almost all of them, but I am going to list a few of the many occasions when it is NOT acceptable for a man to shed tears, have a trembling crying fit, or any other public outburst of emotion.
1. The buffet line closes before you get there.
2. You just realized you have gained over 20lbs since high school.
3. Your favorite team traded your favorite player (it is acceptable to question the intelligence of the team's management, though)
4. You lose in an athletic competition (yes, this is the one Tebow broke)
5. You break a bone or are physically hurt in a way that does not involve blood or bullets
6. You are colder than Eskimo ice cream (it is acceptable to cry if this causes you to have to get naked and get belly to belly with a male friend in your sleeping bag)
7. Your favorite NASCAR driver crashes at Daytona, but is ok
8. When the flying monkeys get after Dorothy or when the werewolf chases the vampire in Twilight series
9. When your last single friend gets married (at least not in front of your wife)
10. When your favorite sports team (to include your child's little league team) loses.
Those are the rules from Alabama. You can amend them as you see fit, but the spirit of these rules should be honored. As I said in the beginning, I may have violated the rules once or twice, but I had good friends who held me accountable. Now, you are empowered to likewise hold your friends accountable!
Ten occasions when men can shed tears:
1. The passing of a loved one or fallen comrade
2. When you share the pain of a friend
3. Farewell to your band of brothers (your military unit or team mates on a sports team)
4. The birth of your children or grandchildren
5. A significant event in the life of your children (such as acceptance of Christ, baptism, marriage or acceptance into the University of Alabama - tears of pride are acceptable )
6. A promotion, award, or other such honor that is truly humbling because of all the nice things said about you (whether your dad is in prison or not)
7. One of your children enrolls in college at Auburn (or Florida or maybe even the University of Georgia if you are an LSU fan - disappointment and despair can hardly be contained in this case)
8. Your parachute opens in a manner that is going to cause you to sing soprano
9. Public viewing of Old Yeller (of course this is inclusive of the passing of your dog, which the movie doubtless reminds you of)
10. Somebody crashes into your car (the one the man drives, not the minivan) that you either just bought or have owned more than 15 years
The list of ten acceptable tear shedding occasions covers almost all of them, but I am going to list a few of the many occasions when it is NOT acceptable for a man to shed tears, have a trembling crying fit, or any other public outburst of emotion.
1. The buffet line closes before you get there.
2. You just realized you have gained over 20lbs since high school.
3. Your favorite team traded your favorite player (it is acceptable to question the intelligence of the team's management, though)
4. You lose in an athletic competition (yes, this is the one Tebow broke)
5. You break a bone or are physically hurt in a way that does not involve blood or bullets
6. You are colder than Eskimo ice cream (it is acceptable to cry if this causes you to have to get naked and get belly to belly with a male friend in your sleeping bag)
7. Your favorite NASCAR driver crashes at Daytona, but is ok
8. When the flying monkeys get after Dorothy or when the werewolf chases the vampire in Twilight series
9. When your last single friend gets married (at least not in front of your wife)
10. When your favorite sports team (to include your child's little league team) loses.
Those are the rules from Alabama. You can amend them as you see fit, but the spirit of these rules should be honored. As I said in the beginning, I may have violated the rules once or twice, but I had good friends who held me accountable. Now, you are empowered to likewise hold your friends accountable!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A Date for Married Folks
Cammie and I tried to combine an appointment with our financial adviser with a day date in DC this past Monday. It was fun, but not exactly as planned.
First, our appointment with the financial adviser went extremely well. Cammie and I have gotten so good at fighting about money that we don't have to actually fight. We got down to two fights a year for a while and now, I just point out the issue and ask if the fight is necessary. Most of the time, it is not. Cammie did ask if Jim had praised me in the previous meeting with him for saving money on clothes and my car, but I took the slight in stride.
Jim analyzed all our finances and let us know that many of our investments were stinkers and moved our money around. He also analyzed our insurance and decided that Cammie was under-insured and started explaining why she needed more Universal Life. I don't remember anything else he said, but when he got to the part about Universal Life paying for somebody to help her if she could no longer dress herself, I said, "We'll take it!" I don't want to seem unloving, but I can not imagine a more demanding task than dressing a woman who tries on six outfits prior to leaving the house each day. I did not know there was insurance available to make sure I never had to do that for her, but now that we had a chance to buy it, I could not hesitate!
After we left Jim's office, we went to lunch using one of our Christmas Gift cards. This is the second mention of gift cards we received and I think I should go on the record and say that I may have fouled up the gift exchange plan this year. I made contributions to World Vision for our family members, but they mostly sent us gifts. I am afraid we did not coordinate this like we should have, but at least I didn't donate to the "HUMAN FUND" in their names (George Costanza reference for you younger folks). There still may be an airing of grievances, though. That is on me, so all future gifts to the Benefields can be World Vision donations from now until eternity. Despite the possible gift exchange faux pas, we enjoyed a very peaceful and tasty lunch - thank you Steve and Sabrina.
We left lunch and started downtown to visit the American History Museum and the Botanical Gardens. There were many people who had similar plans. The National Gallery of Art, Smithsonian National Museum of American History and the Botanical Gardens all had lines hanging out of them representative of a convoy of clown cars and tour buses emptying out. Thus, we ended up leaving downtown DC and driving back to Herndon to see Avatar, the spiritually confused film with the freaky blue people.
I know the special effects in Avatar were spectacular, but as Charlie Daniels told us, the Devil plays a pretty mean fiddle, too. I am going to be in the minority when I say this, but Avatar is a dark and evil movie that substitutes emotions for truth and elevates tree worship above worshiping God. If you think its just a movie, then I would recommend you see The Passion of the Christ just before you see Avatar so you will at least have seen the truth first. Just so everybody knows that I was not the only one, Cammie was also deeply disturbed by this movie. I thought having a wounded warrior Marine as the central character might salvage the movie's political message, but its message went beyond political into some very dark spiritual themes that could not be salvaged if John Wayne himself had starred in it. Hollywood is going to fall into the ocean soon if Avatar is typical of their worldview and Sodom and Gomorrah is any indicator. I am still waiting for all the war movies about Iraq and Afghanistan that tell the story of all our brave warriors who have shed blood to liberate millions and protect their homeland. Not many movies about God and Country these days, I guess.
We returned home from our date and played Wii with the kids. Despite our wasted time downtown and the disturbing movie, we still had a good time and I can rest easy knowing that I won't ever have to dress Cammie if she is not able to do that herself.
First, our appointment with the financial adviser went extremely well. Cammie and I have gotten so good at fighting about money that we don't have to actually fight. We got down to two fights a year for a while and now, I just point out the issue and ask if the fight is necessary. Most of the time, it is not. Cammie did ask if Jim had praised me in the previous meeting with him for saving money on clothes and my car, but I took the slight in stride.
Jim analyzed all our finances and let us know that many of our investments were stinkers and moved our money around. He also analyzed our insurance and decided that Cammie was under-insured and started explaining why she needed more Universal Life. I don't remember anything else he said, but when he got to the part about Universal Life paying for somebody to help her if she could no longer dress herself, I said, "We'll take it!" I don't want to seem unloving, but I can not imagine a more demanding task than dressing a woman who tries on six outfits prior to leaving the house each day. I did not know there was insurance available to make sure I never had to do that for her, but now that we had a chance to buy it, I could not hesitate!
After we left Jim's office, we went to lunch using one of our Christmas Gift cards. This is the second mention of gift cards we received and I think I should go on the record and say that I may have fouled up the gift exchange plan this year. I made contributions to World Vision for our family members, but they mostly sent us gifts. I am afraid we did not coordinate this like we should have, but at least I didn't donate to the "HUMAN FUND" in their names (George Costanza reference for you younger folks). There still may be an airing of grievances, though. That is on me, so all future gifts to the Benefields can be World Vision donations from now until eternity. Despite the possible gift exchange faux pas, we enjoyed a very peaceful and tasty lunch - thank you Steve and Sabrina.
We left lunch and started downtown to visit the American History Museum and the Botanical Gardens. There were many people who had similar plans. The National Gallery of Art, Smithsonian National Museum of American History and the Botanical Gardens all had lines hanging out of them representative of a convoy of clown cars and tour buses emptying out. Thus, we ended up leaving downtown DC and driving back to Herndon to see Avatar, the spiritually confused film with the freaky blue people.
I know the special effects in Avatar were spectacular, but as Charlie Daniels told us, the Devil plays a pretty mean fiddle, too. I am going to be in the minority when I say this, but Avatar is a dark and evil movie that substitutes emotions for truth and elevates tree worship above worshiping God. If you think its just a movie, then I would recommend you see The Passion of the Christ just before you see Avatar so you will at least have seen the truth first. Just so everybody knows that I was not the only one, Cammie was also deeply disturbed by this movie. I thought having a wounded warrior Marine as the central character might salvage the movie's political message, but its message went beyond political into some very dark spiritual themes that could not be salvaged if John Wayne himself had starred in it. Hollywood is going to fall into the ocean soon if Avatar is typical of their worldview and Sodom and Gomorrah is any indicator. I am still waiting for all the war movies about Iraq and Afghanistan that tell the story of all our brave warriors who have shed blood to liberate millions and protect their homeland. Not many movies about God and Country these days, I guess.
We returned home from our date and played Wii with the kids. Despite our wasted time downtown and the disturbing movie, we still had a good time and I can rest easy knowing that I won't ever have to dress Cammie if she is not able to do that herself.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Gettysburg (rated - whatever tells you I am going to pass on things my kids said)
The Benefields were due a family outing, so I began mission planning for a trip to Gettysburg. Our failed attempt at a date down town reinforced the need to plan everything here, so I pulled up the Gettysburg tourism site, http://www.gettysburg.travel/visitor/attractions.asp, and starting planning my fanny off.
We started off with two major disadvantages. The first disadvantage was that 50% of the sites were closed seasonally (NOV-MAR is not good for touring Gettysburg). Another 20% were closed because it was Wednesday, but we still managed to identify several sites of interest that made the trip worthwhile. An Eisenhower Christmas, the Battlefield, a covered bridge, several scenic tours, and Mister Ed's Elephant Museum made the final cut for planning!
I don't want to say that I have been grumpy and short with my family lately, but Cammie actually confronted me on the way to Gettysburg for being in a good mood! She asked me if I was taking drugs, but I never figured out if she asked out of concern for my health or if she just wanted access to my stash. I was not chemically altered, but I did threaten all the kids with the worst punishments I could imagine if they did not behave well on this trip. Just knowing they were sufficiently scared straight put me in a better mood.
We got a bit of a late start and had to make a McDonald's stop for the kids and a Taco Bell stop for Cammie and me in Leesburg, VA. Drive thru at McD's and I walked in at Taco Bell just across the street. While waiting for my order, an older lady, who could have been Barbara Bush, struck up a conversation with me (in English) and we became fast friends. She was completely amazed at the efficiency of the Taco Bell staff and acted like she had never been inside one before. I had to admit that I was impressed to see three different customers complain and see the Taco Bell crew handle all three complaints exceptionally well, In all three cases, the customers were in the wrong! I have never seen that before, but they let them off the hook easily and rapido, por favor.
With semi-full bellies, we pedaled on down the road to Gettysburg and arrived at 8 Lincoln Square with completely full bladders. We had to make a bathroom stop at the Subway just off the square before starting our tourist activities. The boys broke out in one of their anatomy discussions while we waited for the girls. Jay Allen wanted to know why it took the girls so long - was it because they had to wipe? In the middle of Subway, he went on to explain to James that boys have penises, but girls have Chinuses. Some of you may remember that after watching Kindergarten Cop, the boys told me that boys have peanuts and girls have Chinas. They have figured out the terminology for male anatomy, but obviously believe that the plural of China is Chinuses. James was now pointing to his man parts, going "Yeah, boys have penises." Cammie emerged from the lady's room with Carlie to find me laughing semi-hysterically (still no drugs involved, I promise).
After all the anatomy talk, we had to escape Subway through the back door and find the starting point for all our planned tours. We walked around the square and failed to find the correct address (8), so I volunteered to duck into the Cigar shop and ask directions. When I broke the front door open, I was overcome with the sweetest smelling cigar smoke you can imagine. I was so distracted that I did not notice the Pit Bull who charged James and attacked him relentlessly - with slobbery sugar! That was the most affectionate dog I have ever seen and James loved him! The Cigar Store owner gave me directions to all the tourist attractions between pulls on his very fine cigar and sips of his Bourbon. All three seemed to be in perfect balance, but I only partook of the second hand smoke and the directions. He was very proud of his town and rightfully so. I think we could have spent a week in Gettysburg, but alas, we had only one afternoon. The cigars and Bourbon would have to wait.
After stopping briefly at the Wills House (where President Lincoln stayed the night before the Gettysburg address) to snap a picture with a statue of Abraham Lincoln, we headed on to the Gettysburg Museum. There were many options there, so I had to go to the information desk for help. I pointed to Cammie and the three kids and asked what would be the best choice to entertain those people for the rest of the afternoon, keeping in mind that we were going to stop by Mister Ed's Elephant Museum on the way home. First, the Park Ranger behind the desk had to make sure I knew that Mister Ed had more Elephants than anybody could possibly enjoy or even endure and the only attraction there was the candy, which we could buy at the nearest gas station. Ok, Ed was out. After sizing up our family, she recommended a Museum tour and a Battlefield driving tour. I think she was dead on!
James did mistake the museum for a playground and ran around simulating riding a horse or flying in an airplane the whole time. Strangely, the sound effects for a galloping horse and a speeding jet plane are the same for James and both involve spraying almost as much slobber as the friendly pooch in the cigar shop did. Gettysburg's Museum is truly awesome and I didn't get to take in but a fraction of it, but we are going back!
A quick aside - this is my second attempt to see Gettysburg that has fallen short. In January of 2001, I had worked with Trevor "Guppy" Hill to plan an actual Airborne operation that would drop modern paratroopers from the 509th onto the historic battlefields of Gettysburg. Trevor ended up doing most of the planning, but it started as my idea and I had planned on being one of the primary jump-masters kicking out Airborne soldiers over that sacred ground. Well, something even neater than that happened and my daughter, Carlie, was born just a day or two before the Gettysburg jump went off. I wish that I had been able to go on the jump, but not at the risk of missing Carlie's birth.
Now, back to today's trip. After persisting as long as we thought we could in the museum without getting kicked out, we began our battlefield driving tour. Knowing that Cammie and I were the only ones who would pay attention (and we were getting hungry), we passed on buying the CD with the narrated auto-tour and just free-styled our tour of the battlefield. We drove up to Culp's Hill and climbed the observation tower to observe the entire battlefield. This, too, was awesome. The kids loved it. In case you don't know, the only member of our family with any fear of heights is Cammie. That makes it really tough to keep control of the family at altitude, so I had to put Carlie in charge of Cammie and I took charge of James. Jay Allen had to be trusted to be in charge of himself, and he did a good job. After successfully coming down from the tower, we headed back toward Northern Virginia.
We received a Cracker Barrel gift certificate for Christmas, so we decided to use it on the way back. Cammie called the 1-800 number and was on hold for about thirty minutes to ask if there was a Cracker Barrel in Frederick, MD. Just seconds after the friendly lady at the Cracker Barrel Help Desk finally picked up and said, "Hang on just a second, Honey, and let me get my locator out." We passed a billboard with the exact location on it. That is so typical of our luck. Our life really is a SITCOM - some of you already know that.
Well, we made it to Cracker Barrel and the kids were really well behaved and the food was really good. One surprise and one as you would expect it. I ordered the very festive salad with chicken and feta and apples, but couldn't resist a side order of greens and beans - the perfect meal for a health conscious hillbilly. Cammie and I couldn't recall ever having a bad meal from Cracker Barrel.
Jay Allen had on his Terrance Cody #62 Jersey and I had on my Alabama Sweatshirt that a gentlemen noticed as we were leaving. He asked if we were from Alabama and I, of course, said, "YES! ROLL TIDE!" He then surprised me and said, "Alabama! You guys have the best.." I was waiting for running back, receiver, linebacker, quarterback, kicker, coach, but instead, he said, "you guys have the best looking license plates." I was speechless for a second and then said, "Yes, thanks. The state prisoners do a good job on those." I really did not know the appropriate response.
The rest of our trip was uneventful, but we kept talking about how good our meal was. Thanks to my brother and Jennifer for the gift certificate. For any of my friends considering a visit to Gettysburg, do it! You can't imagine a place that is more hospitable, even to people with ties to the losing side of that conflict.
We started off with two major disadvantages. The first disadvantage was that 50% of the sites were closed seasonally (NOV-MAR is not good for touring Gettysburg). Another 20% were closed because it was Wednesday, but we still managed to identify several sites of interest that made the trip worthwhile. An Eisenhower Christmas, the Battlefield, a covered bridge, several scenic tours, and Mister Ed's Elephant Museum made the final cut for planning!
I don't want to say that I have been grumpy and short with my family lately, but Cammie actually confronted me on the way to Gettysburg for being in a good mood! She asked me if I was taking drugs, but I never figured out if she asked out of concern for my health or if she just wanted access to my stash. I was not chemically altered, but I did threaten all the kids with the worst punishments I could imagine if they did not behave well on this trip. Just knowing they were sufficiently scared straight put me in a better mood.
We got a bit of a late start and had to make a McDonald's stop for the kids and a Taco Bell stop for Cammie and me in Leesburg, VA. Drive thru at McD's and I walked in at Taco Bell just across the street. While waiting for my order, an older lady, who could have been Barbara Bush, struck up a conversation with me (in English) and we became fast friends. She was completely amazed at the efficiency of the Taco Bell staff and acted like she had never been inside one before. I had to admit that I was impressed to see three different customers complain and see the Taco Bell crew handle all three complaints exceptionally well, In all three cases, the customers were in the wrong! I have never seen that before, but they let them off the hook easily and rapido, por favor.
With semi-full bellies, we pedaled on down the road to Gettysburg and arrived at 8 Lincoln Square with completely full bladders. We had to make a bathroom stop at the Subway just off the square before starting our tourist activities. The boys broke out in one of their anatomy discussions while we waited for the girls. Jay Allen wanted to know why it took the girls so long - was it because they had to wipe? In the middle of Subway, he went on to explain to James that boys have penises, but girls have Chinuses. Some of you may remember that after watching Kindergarten Cop, the boys told me that boys have peanuts and girls have Chinas. They have figured out the terminology for male anatomy, but obviously believe that the plural of China is Chinuses. James was now pointing to his man parts, going "Yeah, boys have penises." Cammie emerged from the lady's room with Carlie to find me laughing semi-hysterically (still no drugs involved, I promise).
After all the anatomy talk, we had to escape Subway through the back door and find the starting point for all our planned tours. We walked around the square and failed to find the correct address (8), so I volunteered to duck into the Cigar shop and ask directions. When I broke the front door open, I was overcome with the sweetest smelling cigar smoke you can imagine. I was so distracted that I did not notice the Pit Bull who charged James and attacked him relentlessly - with slobbery sugar! That was the most affectionate dog I have ever seen and James loved him! The Cigar Store owner gave me directions to all the tourist attractions between pulls on his very fine cigar and sips of his Bourbon. All three seemed to be in perfect balance, but I only partook of the second hand smoke and the directions. He was very proud of his town and rightfully so. I think we could have spent a week in Gettysburg, but alas, we had only one afternoon. The cigars and Bourbon would have to wait.
After stopping briefly at the Wills House (where President Lincoln stayed the night before the Gettysburg address) to snap a picture with a statue of Abraham Lincoln, we headed on to the Gettysburg Museum. There were many options there, so I had to go to the information desk for help. I pointed to Cammie and the three kids and asked what would be the best choice to entertain those people for the rest of the afternoon, keeping in mind that we were going to stop by Mister Ed's Elephant Museum on the way home. First, the Park Ranger behind the desk had to make sure I knew that Mister Ed had more Elephants than anybody could possibly enjoy or even endure and the only attraction there was the candy, which we could buy at the nearest gas station. Ok, Ed was out. After sizing up our family, she recommended a Museum tour and a Battlefield driving tour. I think she was dead on!
James did mistake the museum for a playground and ran around simulating riding a horse or flying in an airplane the whole time. Strangely, the sound effects for a galloping horse and a speeding jet plane are the same for James and both involve spraying almost as much slobber as the friendly pooch in the cigar shop did. Gettysburg's Museum is truly awesome and I didn't get to take in but a fraction of it, but we are going back!
A quick aside - this is my second attempt to see Gettysburg that has fallen short. In January of 2001, I had worked with Trevor "Guppy" Hill to plan an actual Airborne operation that would drop modern paratroopers from the 509th onto the historic battlefields of Gettysburg. Trevor ended up doing most of the planning, but it started as my idea and I had planned on being one of the primary jump-masters kicking out Airborne soldiers over that sacred ground. Well, something even neater than that happened and my daughter, Carlie, was born just a day or two before the Gettysburg jump went off. I wish that I had been able to go on the jump, but not at the risk of missing Carlie's birth.
Now, back to today's trip. After persisting as long as we thought we could in the museum without getting kicked out, we began our battlefield driving tour. Knowing that Cammie and I were the only ones who would pay attention (and we were getting hungry), we passed on buying the CD with the narrated auto-tour and just free-styled our tour of the battlefield. We drove up to Culp's Hill and climbed the observation tower to observe the entire battlefield. This, too, was awesome. The kids loved it. In case you don't know, the only member of our family with any fear of heights is Cammie. That makes it really tough to keep control of the family at altitude, so I had to put Carlie in charge of Cammie and I took charge of James. Jay Allen had to be trusted to be in charge of himself, and he did a good job. After successfully coming down from the tower, we headed back toward Northern Virginia.
We received a Cracker Barrel gift certificate for Christmas, so we decided to use it on the way back. Cammie called the 1-800 number and was on hold for about thirty minutes to ask if there was a Cracker Barrel in Frederick, MD. Just seconds after the friendly lady at the Cracker Barrel Help Desk finally picked up and said, "Hang on just a second, Honey, and let me get my locator out." We passed a billboard with the exact location on it. That is so typical of our luck. Our life really is a SITCOM - some of you already know that.
Well, we made it to Cracker Barrel and the kids were really well behaved and the food was really good. One surprise and one as you would expect it. I ordered the very festive salad with chicken and feta and apples, but couldn't resist a side order of greens and beans - the perfect meal for a health conscious hillbilly. Cammie and I couldn't recall ever having a bad meal from Cracker Barrel.
Jay Allen had on his Terrance Cody #62 Jersey and I had on my Alabama Sweatshirt that a gentlemen noticed as we were leaving. He asked if we were from Alabama and I, of course, said, "YES! ROLL TIDE!" He then surprised me and said, "Alabama! You guys have the best.." I was waiting for running back, receiver, linebacker, quarterback, kicker, coach, but instead, he said, "you guys have the best looking license plates." I was speechless for a second and then said, "Yes, thanks. The state prisoners do a good job on those." I really did not know the appropriate response.
The rest of our trip was uneventful, but we kept talking about how good our meal was. Thanks to my brother and Jennifer for the gift certificate. For any of my friends considering a visit to Gettysburg, do it! You can't imagine a place that is more hospitable, even to people with ties to the losing side of that conflict.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Naked Ugandan - a story from my last deployment
I recently traveled to one of our FOBs where I saw a lot of paratroopers and one naked Ugandan. Many of our security personnel are Ugandans - very professional and meticulous in performance of their duties .
The Ugandan was in the shower when Chief Cropp, one of my office mates traveling with me, and I went to what the Air Force calls the "Cadillac" (the Army doesn't use that term and it was more the size of a compact Chevy). Chief got there in front of me and had shaving cream on his face and razor in hand when I entered the shower trailer. Just after I entered, the Ugandan popped out of the shower with no towel on and began applying lotion to his under moisturized areas - which were everywhere. Chief deftly left me a sink to shave at, but it was between him and the naked lotion'ing Ugandan.
That was all that was between Chief and the Ugandan, so I stood there with all of my personal hygiene equipment in my arms thinking. I was thinking for about two seconds before I told Chief we had to leave. He looked at me conflicted - with shaving cream on his face and a razor in his hand. He protested slightly, but I stated flat out in my loudest voice, "if that dude doesn't put on a towel or some shorts, I am leaving!" Chief then found inspiration and thought to ask about the hot water situation. The Ugandan confirmed that there was no hot water, so
Chief agreed to leave and we went to more modest (and I mean that in more ways than one) accommodations.
Looking back on the incident, that Ugandan probably had 10 or 11 roommates, so two dudes in the shower trailer was as much privacy as he could hope for. That being said, I am not an overly modest fellow, but personal space rules have to be strictly enforced when the dress code allows for birthday suits. There was just not enough personal space for three grown men in that shower trailer.
Hope you all get a smile from that story. That and a trip to the Iraqi Barbar (that is how they spelled it) shop for a haircut were the only excitement on the whole trip.
The Ugandan was in the shower when Chief Cropp, one of my office mates traveling with me, and I went to what the Air Force calls the "Cadillac" (the Army doesn't use that term and it was more the size of a compact Chevy). Chief got there in front of me and had shaving cream on his face and razor in hand when I entered the shower trailer. Just after I entered, the Ugandan popped out of the shower with no towel on and began applying lotion to his under moisturized areas - which were everywhere. Chief deftly left me a sink to shave at, but it was between him and the naked lotion'ing Ugandan.
That was all that was between Chief and the Ugandan, so I stood there with all of my personal hygiene equipment in my arms thinking. I was thinking for about two seconds before I told Chief we had to leave. He looked at me conflicted - with shaving cream on his face and a razor in his hand. He protested slightly, but I stated flat out in my loudest voice, "if that dude doesn't put on a towel or some shorts, I am leaving!" Chief then found inspiration and thought to ask about the hot water situation. The Ugandan confirmed that there was no hot water, so
Chief agreed to leave and we went to more modest (and I mean that in more ways than one) accommodations.
Looking back on the incident, that Ugandan probably had 10 or 11 roommates, so two dudes in the shower trailer was as much privacy as he could hope for. That being said, I am not an overly modest fellow, but personal space rules have to be strictly enforced when the dress code allows for birthday suits. There was just not enough personal space for three grown men in that shower trailer.
Hope you all get a smile from that story. That and a trip to the Iraqi Barbar (that is how they spelled it) shop for a haircut were the only excitement on the whole trip.
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