Hardly Halloween

We had a good night at the Hardly Haunted House this past Monday. The kids were not impressed with the orange trash bags full of pine straw - that was the scariest thing on the hay ride, except for the scary smell that James produced.
We had a bad night on the way home. I decided we needed some pumpkin pie and we went to the grocery store to get one. James was a bit naughty in the store and then wouldn't buckle in his seat. I directed him to sit and buckle and he refused.
As I went around the van to threaten him and buckle him in, somebody (I suspect James) closed the van door on me. I bumped the door so it wouldn't close, but it came back at me and pinched my head in the door (Cammie accuses me of saying this as if the door is possessed - maybe it was). This time, I flung the door back while it growled and beeped and feel completely off the lower rail. There was only one point of attachment left; the door was now broken. By the way, Cammie was wishing her dad happy birthday on the phone while I was having war with James and Lucky -wish she had told me that before I flung the door. I had to take the door in my hands and pull it to my body and fasten it in position so we didn't have to ride home with the door open. It would have been very similar to a seats-in, doors open Air Assault from my days in the 101st, but Lucky's crew chief, Cammie, no-go'ed this idea. Jay Allen announced on the way home, "I think you broke the door." I just said, "Thank you, son. Really. You think its broke. Is that why it was growling at me and beeping and making that clicking noise?" I was not ready to be critiqued. When we got home, I attempted to get the Grand Caravan door back on its rails for two hours with no luck. It was dark, the ground was wet, and my attitude was not good.
As I was telling Cammie what I wrote on Facebook, I think I got to the bottom of who closed the door on me the first time. She says she opened the door, but I explained that I had done that before I got out of the driver's seat, so when she pressed the button, that was a close. I said no four letter words, but I didn't say much nice either. Cammie thought all of this was hilarious and it was funny to me by the time I got to bed - exhausted from spending two hours trying to get the van door back on the rails. Cammie would had jumped a curb to take off with my head caught in the door if she thought of it and that would have made a better blog, but she didn't think of that until her brother brought it up.
I briefly put Lucky for sale, but does anybody really wanna buy a used minivan that has been rear-ended by a bus, caught on fire (mirror melted off), had its windshield blow out in the driveway, jumped an island at the bank, jumped a curb at a Mexican restaurant (without Margarita assistance), been soaked in gasoline (not related to the fire incident), and ha...s tried to pinch its owner's head in the side door during a disciplinary event. Its name is LUCKY!
I took Lucky off the market after I got her door back on the rails. It took a little blood and some grunting, but no profanity or broken tools!
After the hayride and Lucky adventure, the kids asked me to produce the first running of HomeDaddy's Haunted House on Tuesday. Jay Allen, who was the loudest requester, wouldn't even come down the steps when it was ready. It wasn't too bad - A jack o lantern with a wig and a head in my lunch box and some candles and compressed air (from a can, not the kind James deployed on the hayride). I thought we fell short of the nightmare threshold and the kids were pleased, but Carlie did report a bad dream about a balloon the next morning.
Night 2 of Home Daddy's Haunted House was more intense! I boiled Scooby Doo (James's costume) on the oven, hung lifeless flight suits from the ceiling, substituted balloons for heads, and scared my children to the point of involuntary bodily functions. I wore a plastic hulk mask and my wild rock and roll hair. I looked like a professional wrestler other than my pajama pants and my UNC Tar Heel house shoes. They were very excited about our scare show and wanted to bring their friends over Friday night to be scared. More terror on Yukon Road!
The first open to the public Home Daddy's Haunted House was a big success. My kids thought it was the scariest one yet and the neighbor kids squealed - in delight or fright, I am not sure. I converted the turtle shell for our minivan into a coffin and laid at rest under a poncho liner (woobee) until the kids came by. I used compressed air (from a can) to draw their attention to me just before I leapt out in my SAS faceover (a tubular ski mask type device) and my rock and roll hair and my desert flight suit. Horror for all. Jay Allen and his buddy Stephen came unglued! The girls were also scared, but did not cling to their mothers and start crying. The neighbor kids had never seen the wild hair or faceover and did not like it even with the lights on.
My kids were pleased with my efforts to scare them and have secured my services for next year. If anybody else out there needs to be scared, just give me a call.