Cammie and I tried to combine an appointment with our financial adviser with a day date in DC this past Monday. It was fun, but not exactly as planned.
First, our appointment with the financial adviser went extremely well. Cammie and I have gotten so good at fighting about money that we don't have to actually fight. We got down to two fights a year for a while and now, I just point out the issue and ask if the fight is necessary. Most of the time, it is not. Cammie did ask if Jim had praised me in the previous meeting with him for saving money on clothes and my car, but I took the slight in stride.
Jim analyzed all our finances and let us know that many of our investments were stinkers and moved our money around. He also analyzed our insurance and decided that Cammie was under-insured and started explaining why she needed more Universal Life. I don't remember anything else he said, but when he got to the part about Universal Life paying for somebody to help her if she could no longer dress herself, I said, "We'll take it!" I don't want to seem unloving, but I can not imagine a more demanding task than dressing a woman who tries on six outfits prior to leaving the house each day. I did not know there was insurance available to make sure I never had to do that for her, but now that we had a chance to buy it, I could not hesitate!
After we left Jim's office, we went to lunch using one of our Christmas Gift cards. This is the second mention of gift cards we received and I think I should go on the record and say that I may have fouled up the gift exchange plan this year. I made contributions to World Vision for our family members, but they mostly sent us gifts. I am afraid we did not coordinate this like we should have, but at least I didn't donate to the "HUMAN FUND" in their names (George Costanza reference for you younger folks). There still may be an airing of grievances, though. That is on me, so all future gifts to the Benefields can be World Vision donations from now until eternity. Despite the possible gift exchange faux pas, we enjoyed a very peaceful and tasty lunch - thank you Steve and Sabrina.
We left lunch and started downtown to visit the American History Museum and the Botanical Gardens. There were many people who had similar plans. The National Gallery of Art, Smithsonian National Museum of American History and the Botanical Gardens all had lines hanging out of them representative of a convoy of clown cars and tour buses emptying out. Thus, we ended up leaving downtown DC and driving back to Herndon to see Avatar, the spiritually confused film with the freaky blue people.
I know the special effects in Avatar were spectacular, but as Charlie Daniels told us, the Devil plays a pretty mean fiddle, too. I am going to be in the minority when I say this, but Avatar is a dark and evil movie that substitutes emotions for truth and elevates tree worship above worshiping God. If you think its just a movie, then I would recommend you see The Passion of the Christ just before you see Avatar so you will at least have seen the truth first. Just so everybody knows that I was not the only one, Cammie was also deeply disturbed by this movie. I thought having a wounded warrior Marine as the central character might salvage the movie's political message, but its message went beyond political into some very dark spiritual themes that could not be salvaged if John Wayne himself had starred in it. Hollywood is going to fall into the ocean soon if Avatar is typical of their worldview and Sodom and Gomorrah is any indicator. I am still waiting for all the war movies about Iraq and Afghanistan that tell the story of all our brave warriors who have shed blood to liberate millions and protect their homeland. Not many movies about God and Country these days, I guess.
We returned home from our date and played Wii with the kids. Despite our wasted time downtown and the disturbing movie, we still had a good time and I can rest easy knowing that I won't ever have to dress Cammie if she is not able to do that herself.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Gettysburg (rated - whatever tells you I am going to pass on things my kids said)
The Benefields were due a family outing, so I began mission planning for a trip to Gettysburg. Our failed attempt at a date down town reinforced the need to plan everything here, so I pulled up the Gettysburg tourism site, http://www.gettysburg.travel/visitor/attractions.asp, and starting planning my fanny off.
We started off with two major disadvantages. The first disadvantage was that 50% of the sites were closed seasonally (NOV-MAR is not good for touring Gettysburg). Another 20% were closed because it was Wednesday, but we still managed to identify several sites of interest that made the trip worthwhile. An Eisenhower Christmas, the Battlefield, a covered bridge, several scenic tours, and Mister Ed's Elephant Museum made the final cut for planning!
I don't want to say that I have been grumpy and short with my family lately, but Cammie actually confronted me on the way to Gettysburg for being in a good mood! She asked me if I was taking drugs, but I never figured out if she asked out of concern for my health or if she just wanted access to my stash. I was not chemically altered, but I did threaten all the kids with the worst punishments I could imagine if they did not behave well on this trip. Just knowing they were sufficiently scared straight put me in a better mood.
We got a bit of a late start and had to make a McDonald's stop for the kids and a Taco Bell stop for Cammie and me in Leesburg, VA. Drive thru at McD's and I walked in at Taco Bell just across the street. While waiting for my order, an older lady, who could have been Barbara Bush, struck up a conversation with me (in English) and we became fast friends. She was completely amazed at the efficiency of the Taco Bell staff and acted like she had never been inside one before. I had to admit that I was impressed to see three different customers complain and see the Taco Bell crew handle all three complaints exceptionally well, In all three cases, the customers were in the wrong! I have never seen that before, but they let them off the hook easily and rapido, por favor.
With semi-full bellies, we pedaled on down the road to Gettysburg and arrived at 8 Lincoln Square with completely full bladders. We had to make a bathroom stop at the Subway just off the square before starting our tourist activities. The boys broke out in one of their anatomy discussions while we waited for the girls. Jay Allen wanted to know why it took the girls so long - was it because they had to wipe? In the middle of Subway, he went on to explain to James that boys have penises, but girls have Chinuses. Some of you may remember that after watching Kindergarten Cop, the boys told me that boys have peanuts and girls have Chinas. They have figured out the terminology for male anatomy, but obviously believe that the plural of China is Chinuses. James was now pointing to his man parts, going "Yeah, boys have penises." Cammie emerged from the lady's room with Carlie to find me laughing semi-hysterically (still no drugs involved, I promise).
After all the anatomy talk, we had to escape Subway through the back door and find the starting point for all our planned tours. We walked around the square and failed to find the correct address (8), so I volunteered to duck into the Cigar shop and ask directions. When I broke the front door open, I was overcome with the sweetest smelling cigar smoke you can imagine. I was so distracted that I did not notice the Pit Bull who charged James and attacked him relentlessly - with slobbery sugar! That was the most affectionate dog I have ever seen and James loved him! The Cigar Store owner gave me directions to all the tourist attractions between pulls on his very fine cigar and sips of his Bourbon. All three seemed to be in perfect balance, but I only partook of the second hand smoke and the directions. He was very proud of his town and rightfully so. I think we could have spent a week in Gettysburg, but alas, we had only one afternoon. The cigars and Bourbon would have to wait.
After stopping briefly at the Wills House (where President Lincoln stayed the night before the Gettysburg address) to snap a picture with a statue of Abraham Lincoln, we headed on to the Gettysburg Museum. There were many options there, so I had to go to the information desk for help. I pointed to Cammie and the three kids and asked what would be the best choice to entertain those people for the rest of the afternoon, keeping in mind that we were going to stop by Mister Ed's Elephant Museum on the way home. First, the Park Ranger behind the desk had to make sure I knew that Mister Ed had more Elephants than anybody could possibly enjoy or even endure and the only attraction there was the candy, which we could buy at the nearest gas station. Ok, Ed was out. After sizing up our family, she recommended a Museum tour and a Battlefield driving tour. I think she was dead on!
James did mistake the museum for a playground and ran around simulating riding a horse or flying in an airplane the whole time. Strangely, the sound effects for a galloping horse and a speeding jet plane are the same for James and both involve spraying almost as much slobber as the friendly pooch in the cigar shop did. Gettysburg's Museum is truly awesome and I didn't get to take in but a fraction of it, but we are going back!
A quick aside - this is my second attempt to see Gettysburg that has fallen short. In January of 2001, I had worked with Trevor "Guppy" Hill to plan an actual Airborne operation that would drop modern paratroopers from the 509th onto the historic battlefields of Gettysburg. Trevor ended up doing most of the planning, but it started as my idea and I had planned on being one of the primary jump-masters kicking out Airborne soldiers over that sacred ground. Well, something even neater than that happened and my daughter, Carlie, was born just a day or two before the Gettysburg jump went off. I wish that I had been able to go on the jump, but not at the risk of missing Carlie's birth.
Now, back to today's trip. After persisting as long as we thought we could in the museum without getting kicked out, we began our battlefield driving tour. Knowing that Cammie and I were the only ones who would pay attention (and we were getting hungry), we passed on buying the CD with the narrated auto-tour and just free-styled our tour of the battlefield. We drove up to Culp's Hill and climbed the observation tower to observe the entire battlefield. This, too, was awesome. The kids loved it. In case you don't know, the only member of our family with any fear of heights is Cammie. That makes it really tough to keep control of the family at altitude, so I had to put Carlie in charge of Cammie and I took charge of James. Jay Allen had to be trusted to be in charge of himself, and he did a good job. After successfully coming down from the tower, we headed back toward Northern Virginia.
We received a Cracker Barrel gift certificate for Christmas, so we decided to use it on the way back. Cammie called the 1-800 number and was on hold for about thirty minutes to ask if there was a Cracker Barrel in Frederick, MD. Just seconds after the friendly lady at the Cracker Barrel Help Desk finally picked up and said, "Hang on just a second, Honey, and let me get my locator out." We passed a billboard with the exact location on it. That is so typical of our luck. Our life really is a SITCOM - some of you already know that.
Well, we made it to Cracker Barrel and the kids were really well behaved and the food was really good. One surprise and one as you would expect it. I ordered the very festive salad with chicken and feta and apples, but couldn't resist a side order of greens and beans - the perfect meal for a health conscious hillbilly. Cammie and I couldn't recall ever having a bad meal from Cracker Barrel.
Jay Allen had on his Terrance Cody #62 Jersey and I had on my Alabama Sweatshirt that a gentlemen noticed as we were leaving. He asked if we were from Alabama and I, of course, said, "YES! ROLL TIDE!" He then surprised me and said, "Alabama! You guys have the best.." I was waiting for running back, receiver, linebacker, quarterback, kicker, coach, but instead, he said, "you guys have the best looking license plates." I was speechless for a second and then said, "Yes, thanks. The state prisoners do a good job on those." I really did not know the appropriate response.
The rest of our trip was uneventful, but we kept talking about how good our meal was. Thanks to my brother and Jennifer for the gift certificate. For any of my friends considering a visit to Gettysburg, do it! You can't imagine a place that is more hospitable, even to people with ties to the losing side of that conflict.
We started off with two major disadvantages. The first disadvantage was that 50% of the sites were closed seasonally (NOV-MAR is not good for touring Gettysburg). Another 20% were closed because it was Wednesday, but we still managed to identify several sites of interest that made the trip worthwhile. An Eisenhower Christmas, the Battlefield, a covered bridge, several scenic tours, and Mister Ed's Elephant Museum made the final cut for planning!
I don't want to say that I have been grumpy and short with my family lately, but Cammie actually confronted me on the way to Gettysburg for being in a good mood! She asked me if I was taking drugs, but I never figured out if she asked out of concern for my health or if she just wanted access to my stash. I was not chemically altered, but I did threaten all the kids with the worst punishments I could imagine if they did not behave well on this trip. Just knowing they were sufficiently scared straight put me in a better mood.
We got a bit of a late start and had to make a McDonald's stop for the kids and a Taco Bell stop for Cammie and me in Leesburg, VA. Drive thru at McD's and I walked in at Taco Bell just across the street. While waiting for my order, an older lady, who could have been Barbara Bush, struck up a conversation with me (in English) and we became fast friends. She was completely amazed at the efficiency of the Taco Bell staff and acted like she had never been inside one before. I had to admit that I was impressed to see three different customers complain and see the Taco Bell crew handle all three complaints exceptionally well, In all three cases, the customers were in the wrong! I have never seen that before, but they let them off the hook easily and rapido, por favor.
With semi-full bellies, we pedaled on down the road to Gettysburg and arrived at 8 Lincoln Square with completely full bladders. We had to make a bathroom stop at the Subway just off the square before starting our tourist activities. The boys broke out in one of their anatomy discussions while we waited for the girls. Jay Allen wanted to know why it took the girls so long - was it because they had to wipe? In the middle of Subway, he went on to explain to James that boys have penises, but girls have Chinuses. Some of you may remember that after watching Kindergarten Cop, the boys told me that boys have peanuts and girls have Chinas. They have figured out the terminology for male anatomy, but obviously believe that the plural of China is Chinuses. James was now pointing to his man parts, going "Yeah, boys have penises." Cammie emerged from the lady's room with Carlie to find me laughing semi-hysterically (still no drugs involved, I promise).
After all the anatomy talk, we had to escape Subway through the back door and find the starting point for all our planned tours. We walked around the square and failed to find the correct address (8), so I volunteered to duck into the Cigar shop and ask directions. When I broke the front door open, I was overcome with the sweetest smelling cigar smoke you can imagine. I was so distracted that I did not notice the Pit Bull who charged James and attacked him relentlessly - with slobbery sugar! That was the most affectionate dog I have ever seen and James loved him! The Cigar Store owner gave me directions to all the tourist attractions between pulls on his very fine cigar and sips of his Bourbon. All three seemed to be in perfect balance, but I only partook of the second hand smoke and the directions. He was very proud of his town and rightfully so. I think we could have spent a week in Gettysburg, but alas, we had only one afternoon. The cigars and Bourbon would have to wait.
After stopping briefly at the Wills House (where President Lincoln stayed the night before the Gettysburg address) to snap a picture with a statue of Abraham Lincoln, we headed on to the Gettysburg Museum. There were many options there, so I had to go to the information desk for help. I pointed to Cammie and the three kids and asked what would be the best choice to entertain those people for the rest of the afternoon, keeping in mind that we were going to stop by Mister Ed's Elephant Museum on the way home. First, the Park Ranger behind the desk had to make sure I knew that Mister Ed had more Elephants than anybody could possibly enjoy or even endure and the only attraction there was the candy, which we could buy at the nearest gas station. Ok, Ed was out. After sizing up our family, she recommended a Museum tour and a Battlefield driving tour. I think she was dead on!
James did mistake the museum for a playground and ran around simulating riding a horse or flying in an airplane the whole time. Strangely, the sound effects for a galloping horse and a speeding jet plane are the same for James and both involve spraying almost as much slobber as the friendly pooch in the cigar shop did. Gettysburg's Museum is truly awesome and I didn't get to take in but a fraction of it, but we are going back!
A quick aside - this is my second attempt to see Gettysburg that has fallen short. In January of 2001, I had worked with Trevor "Guppy" Hill to plan an actual Airborne operation that would drop modern paratroopers from the 509th onto the historic battlefields of Gettysburg. Trevor ended up doing most of the planning, but it started as my idea and I had planned on being one of the primary jump-masters kicking out Airborne soldiers over that sacred ground. Well, something even neater than that happened and my daughter, Carlie, was born just a day or two before the Gettysburg jump went off. I wish that I had been able to go on the jump, but not at the risk of missing Carlie's birth.
Now, back to today's trip. After persisting as long as we thought we could in the museum without getting kicked out, we began our battlefield driving tour. Knowing that Cammie and I were the only ones who would pay attention (and we were getting hungry), we passed on buying the CD with the narrated auto-tour and just free-styled our tour of the battlefield. We drove up to Culp's Hill and climbed the observation tower to observe the entire battlefield. This, too, was awesome. The kids loved it. In case you don't know, the only member of our family with any fear of heights is Cammie. That makes it really tough to keep control of the family at altitude, so I had to put Carlie in charge of Cammie and I took charge of James. Jay Allen had to be trusted to be in charge of himself, and he did a good job. After successfully coming down from the tower, we headed back toward Northern Virginia.
We received a Cracker Barrel gift certificate for Christmas, so we decided to use it on the way back. Cammie called the 1-800 number and was on hold for about thirty minutes to ask if there was a Cracker Barrel in Frederick, MD. Just seconds after the friendly lady at the Cracker Barrel Help Desk finally picked up and said, "Hang on just a second, Honey, and let me get my locator out." We passed a billboard with the exact location on it. That is so typical of our luck. Our life really is a SITCOM - some of you already know that.
Well, we made it to Cracker Barrel and the kids were really well behaved and the food was really good. One surprise and one as you would expect it. I ordered the very festive salad with chicken and feta and apples, but couldn't resist a side order of greens and beans - the perfect meal for a health conscious hillbilly. Cammie and I couldn't recall ever having a bad meal from Cracker Barrel.
Jay Allen had on his Terrance Cody #62 Jersey and I had on my Alabama Sweatshirt that a gentlemen noticed as we were leaving. He asked if we were from Alabama and I, of course, said, "YES! ROLL TIDE!" He then surprised me and said, "Alabama! You guys have the best.." I was waiting for running back, receiver, linebacker, quarterback, kicker, coach, but instead, he said, "you guys have the best looking license plates." I was speechless for a second and then said, "Yes, thanks. The state prisoners do a good job on those." I really did not know the appropriate response.
The rest of our trip was uneventful, but we kept talking about how good our meal was. Thanks to my brother and Jennifer for the gift certificate. For any of my friends considering a visit to Gettysburg, do it! You can't imagine a place that is more hospitable, even to people with ties to the losing side of that conflict.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Naked Ugandan - a story from my last deployment
I recently traveled to one of our FOBs where I saw a lot of paratroopers and one naked Ugandan. Many of our security personnel are Ugandans - very professional and meticulous in performance of their duties .
The Ugandan was in the shower when Chief Cropp, one of my office mates traveling with me, and I went to what the Air Force calls the "Cadillac" (the Army doesn't use that term and it was more the size of a compact Chevy). Chief got there in front of me and had shaving cream on his face and razor in hand when I entered the shower trailer. Just after I entered, the Ugandan popped out of the shower with no towel on and began applying lotion to his under moisturized areas - which were everywhere. Chief deftly left me a sink to shave at, but it was between him and the naked lotion'ing Ugandan.
That was all that was between Chief and the Ugandan, so I stood there with all of my personal hygiene equipment in my arms thinking. I was thinking for about two seconds before I told Chief we had to leave. He looked at me conflicted - with shaving cream on his face and a razor in his hand. He protested slightly, but I stated flat out in my loudest voice, "if that dude doesn't put on a towel or some shorts, I am leaving!" Chief then found inspiration and thought to ask about the hot water situation. The Ugandan confirmed that there was no hot water, so
Chief agreed to leave and we went to more modest (and I mean that in more ways than one) accommodations.
Looking back on the incident, that Ugandan probably had 10 or 11 roommates, so two dudes in the shower trailer was as much privacy as he could hope for. That being said, I am not an overly modest fellow, but personal space rules have to be strictly enforced when the dress code allows for birthday suits. There was just not enough personal space for three grown men in that shower trailer.
Hope you all get a smile from that story. That and a trip to the Iraqi Barbar (that is how they spelled it) shop for a haircut were the only excitement on the whole trip.
The Ugandan was in the shower when Chief Cropp, one of my office mates traveling with me, and I went to what the Air Force calls the "Cadillac" (the Army doesn't use that term and it was more the size of a compact Chevy). Chief got there in front of me and had shaving cream on his face and razor in hand when I entered the shower trailer. Just after I entered, the Ugandan popped out of the shower with no towel on and began applying lotion to his under moisturized areas - which were everywhere. Chief deftly left me a sink to shave at, but it was between him and the naked lotion'ing Ugandan.
That was all that was between Chief and the Ugandan, so I stood there with all of my personal hygiene equipment in my arms thinking. I was thinking for about two seconds before I told Chief we had to leave. He looked at me conflicted - with shaving cream on his face and a razor in his hand. He protested slightly, but I stated flat out in my loudest voice, "if that dude doesn't put on a towel or some shorts, I am leaving!" Chief then found inspiration and thought to ask about the hot water situation. The Ugandan confirmed that there was no hot water, so
Chief agreed to leave and we went to more modest (and I mean that in more ways than one) accommodations.
Looking back on the incident, that Ugandan probably had 10 or 11 roommates, so two dudes in the shower trailer was as much privacy as he could hope for. That being said, I am not an overly modest fellow, but personal space rules have to be strictly enforced when the dress code allows for birthday suits. There was just not enough personal space for three grown men in that shower trailer.
Hope you all get a smile from that story. That and a trip to the Iraqi Barbar (that is how they spelled it) shop for a haircut were the only excitement on the whole trip.
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