Expecting the unexpected is part of being a parent. For instance, when Jay Allen said while chewing a chocolate bar that the dental spacer between his molars was loose, who would have known it would turn into our most memorable family Halloween ever.
Yesterday, the big kids went to Wal-Mart with dad and as a reward for (relatively) good behavior, I bought them a chocolate bar to share. We were supposed to open it after supper and share with Cammie and James, but Carlie got ahead of herself and opened it in the Suburban. When I discovered this, I told Carlie to put the chocolate back up and save it for desert, but she had already given Jay Allen a piece and he had wasted no time in eating it. So, I went to plan B and told Carlie to distribute the rest of the chocolate bar between the three of us, we would eat all of it, destroy all the evidence, and never speak of this candy bar again, especially in front of Cammie and James.
Well, God immediately punished me for this attempted deceit. The caramel in Jay Allen's candy bar pulled the spacer loose and it got mixed in with his chocolate bar. Jay Allen went from looking concerned when his spacer came loose to looking scared when he realized he had swallowed his spacer. I will never forget the pitiful look on his face when he looked at me and said, "I swallowed my spacer."
For reasons that will become evident soon, I regret laughing at my son at that moment. I got him calmed down and called his mother, who called the dental emergency line while we drove home from Wal-Mart. Before we got home, the dental nurse, Wade, had us on a conference call running the checklist.
Can the child swallow without pain? Yes (my Pepsi and Cammie's sandwich).
Was the child hurting in the stomach (or anywhere else)? No.
Was there any bleeding? No.
So, Wade informed us that we were out of danger and ALL we had to do was have Jay Allen poop on a newspaper (the NY Times if I could find one) for the next three days and slice his poo until we found the swallowed spacer. Knowing that Cammie would deny ever hearing this, I immediately had her acknowledge those instructions with Wade as a witness before I let him go. She acknowledged, but with an ominous laugh.
So, Jay Allen was in no pain and no longer panicked, but more than a little embarrassed that everybody was laughing at his predicament and that he would be regressing from potty trained to house-broken. It didn't help that we kept joking with him, like when I told him to keep the sword with his Pirate costume because he would need it to slice his poop. I even told a friend on the phone of his predicament and she laughed so loud Jay Allen could hear it across the room and started yelling, "It's not funny." I won't even get into the jokes about the chocolate bar that he was eating when the spacer came out, but we had quite a few laughs at his expense.
The jokes, though not the laughter, stopped cold when Jay Allen declared, "I have to go!" I looked at Cammie, who was tearing up horribly from laughter and I said, "You know what to do!" She knew exactly what to do - she reminded me all the diapers and bodily functions I missed while deployed and she dispatched me to the upstairs bathroom with a plastic fork. So, for all of the young men who aspire to be dads, let me tell you there will be proud moments aplenty, but the moment you are spreading poop with a plastic fork is not one of them.
Jay Allen might be embarrassed that people find out about this, but I don't give a rip after spreading poop. Cammie really doesn't want me to share this with the world, but that's the price you pay for punting with the poop is on the paper. I appreciate all the parents who will read this and say a prayer for me today, because THE SPACER WAS NOT IN POOP #1! I have to do this again and Cammie has already given me the "I will gag and die if I have to do that!", so I get to spread poop with a plastic fork tomorrow, too! And maybe Monday! Really, people, it doesn't have to hit the fan for things to get bad, this is bad. I don't know if I am sharing my predicament to get back at my family, who has put me in charge of this operation, or to give somebody a laugh, or if I am looking for sympathy, but all three motives seem valid to me. I know some of you just think this is funny crap, but it is not nearly as funny to me, now, as it was before the first plastic fork spreading.
Lord have mercy on me and let Jay Allen pass this spacer tomorrow! If any of you will add this prayer request to your own prayer list, I will be thankful and will hug you in Heaven for it.
That is all from Alaska!
