I think Washington DC should consider selling coffee at the metro stations, and making restrooms available. Last night, I bought my coffee before I got there and was told by a most unhelpful attendant that restrooms were for elderly, children, and handicapped. I wondered if any of those handicapped people were in that condition because they ruptured their bladders at the metro station. I had to leave the metro station to find a restroom. There are no restrooms near a metro station (mass transportation, not mass urination), so Cammie walked out to the parking lot with me while I recycled some of Starbuck's finest into its original container (such a proud moment for us).
When we re-entered the metro, our education continued. First, we tried to use the same pass to pay for each of us. For some reason, two people can not pay for their fare with the same pass, so Cammie had to take a Smartcard to the machine to re-charge it. After breaking in front of a lady in a wheel chair, Cammie failed to master the smartcard recharge. I ended up paying $1.50 to walk into and out of the metro station to help her get the smartcard squared away. As you would guess, she had just successfully completed the transaction when I got there.
After we got into the metro station, I sensed our train was almost ready to leave. We got to the bottom of the escalator in time to see the doors close and the train leave. It was a moderate success in that Cammie and I managed to stay on the same side of the closing doors. That happened because I resisted the urge to sprint onto the train, knowing after our many years together, that Cammie does not run in public.
We only had to wait about twenty minutes for the next train and in that time, we had a fascinating conversation with two elderly ladies (one was the lady in the wheelchair mentioned above) who were on their way to a Barry Manilow concert. It seems that the same unhelpful attendant who refused to allow me access to the restroom had been unable to point the ladies to the elevator. Being in a wheelchair, the eldest lady needed the elevator as necessity of movement. These ladies were from Boston and were fascinated to find two Alabamians on the metro. I am not sure if two Martians could have fascinated them more. After further discussion about our experience with the unhelpful attendant, we found inter-regional agreement that a well-timed open handed slap would do wonders for customer service in the DC area.
When you become old married folks, I recommend a ride on the metro to help the closeness in your marriage. Cammie has not sat that close to me since we watched a Freddy Krueger movie together in high school. She had a bit of an anxiety attack that lasted from ten minutes prior to ten minutes after we left the metro station. There were all flavors of people on the train, as you would expect, but none very threatening. There was one couple who begged for change, but I am not fresh off the turnip truck - I could see the dozens of quarters bulging from their pockets and declined to give them any change, but did offer a dirty look. Cammie did not know the story, yet, but Hank had given me reason to be wary of suspicious characters during our travel
Hank's directions to his building were perfect. We came out of the metro station and walked just a few feet before we saw a red-haired, bearded man out front of Hank's building. That would be Hank. He vouched for us with the door man and got us inside to the party. When we got inside, Hank told Cammie the story of the mugging that had happened right where we had seen him outside. An Army nurse was mugged at gunpoint by some young punks. The police did not respond until Hank called them the third time. The victim was safe in his apartment while they waited on the police, but it’s good to know that three call-rule in case you ever need them in a hurry.
Hank's condo also contained all flavors of people, but none begged for our change and all seemed very nice. I really was embarrassed that Hank kept introducing me as his first boss in the Army because I figured that most of his guests had heard stories of what it was like to work for me and they also probably guessed that working for me was a big reason Hank got out of the Army. So after being introduced to Jeff, Adrienne, and Gregg as Hank's first boss, I introduced myself for the rest of the night as his adopted brother. I am sure that is going to be a shock to Hank's dad when it gets back to him, but the rest of the party seemed to buy that story.
Cammie got ambushed a little when Hank's step-mother asked him why his 509th colors have the callsign "Ass-cracker" on them. Hank pointed at Cammie and said to ask her husband. Cammie knew the story and tap-danced a little before explaining the affection that all Geronimos feel toward the 2nd ACR, known as the "Ass-Crack." That is another page in the book of blame that Cammie will turn to when I make her mad, but she handled it with a smile at Hank's. She still had to depend on me to get her back through the mugging zone and the metro station after all.
One of Hank's guests, Patty, told me what a great person a certain major general was. I asked if Ms. MG ever threw her breakfast at her or demanded that she refold toilet paper for her and Patty looked at me as if I had just shown her naked pictures of herself. She responded, "I know her reputation, but she's just really intense." I said, "Especially if you foul up her breakfast order." I told Patty that it was ok, that tyrants needed love, too, and she could love Ms. MG if she wanted to. If you find Patty's affection for Ms. MG curious, just know that she had a lot to drink - so much that she adjusted her crotch right in front of me just like my four year old son, Jay Allen, would do. I don't know if her Scooby-Doo undies are too tight, but that is what usually causes Jay Allen to have to adjust his equipment, but do remember that he is four and perfectly sober.
I asked Hank if "Phil" was one of his gay neighbors that he had told me about and he said there was no “Phil”. I described the character in question and Hank assured me that his name was not Phil, which was very unsettling because I am sure he said "Phil" when we were introduced. Since that particular name is also an action verb (feel), I really did not want to go near him anymore.
Hank's dad did make an appearance and was very pleasant as usual. He did leave a little early and caught me off guard by doing so. If I had known he was leaving I would cleaned the chocolate from the rice krispie candy off my hand before I shook hands with him. Oops. Luckily, he is a RETIRED general officer.
We were having a great time, but we realized the 90 minute journey back to Herndon had to begin somewhat early. This realization came as another of Hank's guests said that she was paying $14 an hour for a babysitter for one child!!!!! We did not realize a payday loan would be in order to pay the babysitter and really wished we had asked what she charged for THREE children:-(
Cammie and I noticed that Hank kept me on the other side of the party from his girlfriend, Annie, for most of the night. Hank’s tactics made it hard for us to figure out for certain which girl was Annie, but Hank did introduce us as Cammie and I were leaving. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!! Annie was nice and will hopefully visit us at the Brady Bunch house so we can get her up to speed on all the old Hank stories:-)
The trip back had more interesting characters, but was fairly uneventful. We did jump on the wrong train, but to no adverse affect. We caught the mistake (since the color of the train line is visible in 400 places on the train) and recovered by getting off in a few stops and catching our train that was seven minutes behind us. In hindsight, there were fewer weirdos on the (wrong) train than there were at the station where we would have waited for the right train.
I am done writing because my son just walked by with two oranges in his shirt as if they were breasts. I have no idea where he would get the idea to do such a thing - has Terri Prosperie visited my family? Well, progress has been made - the second trip through the house, he had the oranges on his shoulders as if they were muscles and not mammaries, but I am done just the same. We had a great time at Hank's and look forward to getting together with him again soon. Unless I look out my window and see somebody getting mugged, I think they are going to have to come here next time, though.
